New Brunswick — If you are what you eat, as the saying goes, it seems many Canadians who purchase sausage can’t be sure just what they are.
A recent federally funded study testing sausages in Canada has found that 1 in 5 sausages contain different meat than the labels indicate. Fortunately for New Brunswickers, we’ve never given a single flying f**k about what we put in our bodies. A Manatee survey of consumer reactions in the Picture Province has found that 0 in 5 sausage-eaters care at all about whether the meat contained in the sausage is as advertised.
“I don’t give a hoot about what’s in it so long as it’s on sale at Superstore and cooks up nice on my George Foreman,” said Miramichi man Dave Lorka. “I prefer it to be meat but otherwise I’m easy.”
When we told Martha Wright of Saint John that some supposedly beef sausages contained horse meat, she seemed unaware of the problem.
“What’s wrong with eating horse again? Refresh my memory,” she inquired. “It’s not like it’s a friggin’ unicorn…I mean are horses scarce these days, or what?”
Harvey resident Susan Myers said she’s never bothered to look at the label on a pack of sausages, or on any other food item, for that matter.
“Ignorance is bliss,” mused the mother of 3, “and I don’t have time for reading anything, let alone information on what’s in food. I just send my kids to the store with a 20-sheet and they come back with what they want to eat and a pack of smokes for me. That way everyone’s happy.”
A third of the allegedly turkey sausages that were tested contained no turkey at all. When we informed Jake LeBlanc of Riverview of this shocking fact, he was unfazed, and also seemed not to understand what we were telling him.
“I thought turkeys were birds. Isn’t that a kind of bird? Correct me if I’m wrong, but I coulda sworn a turkey is a type of bird.”
In the original study, 7 of 27 beef sausages examined contained pork.
“I love beef, I love pork, and I love to barbecue,” said Frederictonian Matt McNeil. “Why are these science nerds trying to create a problem out of thin air? Be thankful you have food on your plate at all, I say.”
Sausages are supposed to contain meat? Who knew?
This is the 20th century folks, Canadians from ocean to ocean to ocean better wake up and realize that this is not acceptable. Luckily, I figured this out many moons ago. Buy your own sausage maker and be your own Chef Ramsay. I’ve patented the sausage spam, otherwise known as spam in a can, but in a sausage. You definitely know what you get with canned spam. It’s a culinary delicacy and should be hitting local stores shortly.
Damon homie
Damn**