500,000 leave NB after reading Maclean’s article

500,000 leave NB after reading Maclean’s article

New Brunswick — Apparently misery does not always like company. In a historic outmigration, hundreds of thousands of New Brunswickers have suddenly left the province after reading an article in Maclean’s last week called “Can Anything Save New Brunswick?” After digesting the discouraging dissertation on New Brunswick’s demographic, political and language woes, now over a half-million have given up and walked away from the Picture Province in the past week.

“Thank goodness the article’s author dropped by to point out the hopeless challenges that we face,” said Saint John resident Michael Boudreau. “Up until then, I thought we weren’t doing great, but there was no crisis. Now, it’s clear to me that province is a lost cause and it’s time to abandon all hope and leave this dreadful place. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before now.”

The subtitle of the article published on March 11 reads, “[t]he province’s economy is in free fall, it has more deaths than births and an ugly language war to rival Quebec’s.” The article goes on to discuss how traditional industries are faltering, the average age of residents is 49.4, the outmigration of 21,000 people since 2005, its “drive-thru” reputation and a rampant “language war.” The article quoted frustrated New Brunswickers who pointed out budget deficits, the possibility of bankruptcy, rural population, and even the goddamned English/French school bus controversy.

“I thought 8 of 10 provinces ran a deficit in 2015 and our credit rating was about the same as Ontario, Quebec, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland, P.E.I. and Manitoba,” said Fredericton resident Martha Baines, as she packed up her car. “I had no idea that we are basically the Greece of Canada on the verge of bankruptcy and insolvency. Thank God we are leaving before the food riots begin.”

“I knew the Atlantic demographics were older than most of the country, but I believed that N.B. was basically within about 5 percent of most of the other provinces,” said recent university graduate Brittany Sears. “The Maclean’s article informed me about how the vast majority of our residents are gumming baby food while waiting for the Grim Reaper. I’m getting out of here before the rest of the province looks like a scene from The Walking Dead!”

Some remaining citizens are skeptical about the “ugly language war” described in the article. “I really didn’t see any evidence of a raging language war,” says Moncton resident Gary Leblanc. “In my view, there was roughly the same number of assholes as there’s always been who refuse to accept one-third of the province speaks French as their mother tongue and don’t agree with the Constitution.

“Despite minor tensions here and there, I thought we were getting along OK all things considered. I guess I missed the declaration of war,” he added sardonically.

“I know some people think that the Maclean’s article points out a bunch of first-world problems, but it’s now clear to me that New Brunswick has fallen off of the cliff and it’s all over, folks,” said fleeing resident Tamara Smith. “The people who I feel sorry for are the Syrian refugees. They’re showing up thinking this is best they’ve had it in a long time. When they find out how horrible it really is here, they will be so disappointed.”

  1. Hmm, I’m reminded why I dropped my subscription to Macleans.

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  2. This is truly the funniest site . The Onion has nothing on you guys. You should expand this across the country. I guess that will be easier to do now that 500,000 of you have scattered to- wait a minute where did you all scatter to? I expect when you all decide to go back because the rest of the country is no better, you.ll probably be met at the border with a highway toll booth. Fiscal problem solved!!

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    • Joshua MacDonald March 18, 2016, 12:58 pm

      If we don’t become bilingual while we are away we wont be allowed back in. That will be announced later this spring along with the provincial governments new wall to be erected with high tech security checkpoints that bombard you with questions in both English and Acadian. That way they can keep people from Quebec from wondering in too.

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  3. You know the economy is bad, when the Provincial landmarks are checking out. March 14, 2016, at Hopewell Rocks, the Elephant Rock crumbled under sheer economic pressure. The beloved flowerpots were the #1 tourist attraction in the province located at the Bay of Fundy, known for the highest tides in the world. RIP New Brunswick.

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  4. This is why I left NB years ago. This bilingual bs is the most divisive thing that ever happened to Canada. It’s even creeping into our lives here on the West Coast. I hope this new Trudeau has more sense than his old man had but its not looking too good for that so far. Guess we’ll know when the refugees are running the province.

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  5. We the aboriginal people are just sitting and waiting for the rest of the newcomers to leave. as for the language war, has anonye noticed that theres no service for anyone speaking mi’kmaq, passamaquody or maliseet in any government office when we make up more then 1 third of the province’s population?

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  6. Look into affordable housing in Ontario before the rest of you decide to leave. According to the Toronto Star cartoon today all you might be able to afford is a Dog house or a Bird house.

    Donate your Pension back to the province, its not worth very much up here, but you can probably use as a tip.

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  7. There’s something for everyone in here.

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