Fredericton — Last month the Crown corporation NB Liquor began peddling Budweiser Prohibition Brew, a non-alcoholic beer-like product, to promote social responsibility. A few cans of the swill somehow sold, and now ANBL is hoping to cash in on its new health-conscious trend by selling farm-fresh vegetables, fruit, supplements and even to-go treats such as kale smoothies and shots of locally sourced fish oil.
“We want to convey the message that here at ANBL, we’re about so much more than just alcohol,” said spokesman Mike Burnett. “We’re about giving people the option to make healthy lifestyle choices. So now anyone who enters our locations can opt to kill their livers with vodka, or heal them with organic flax and chia seeds.”
New Brunswick alcohol consumers of all stripes are less than thrilled with the changes.
“I would never buy that non-alcoholic beer — I can’t imagine why anyone would want to drink that crap!” exclaimed Saint John drinker Marcia McLellan. “If I want health food — which I don’t — I’ll go to a farmers’ market, not NB Liquor. I wish they’d stick to what they’re good at… whatever that may be.”
“It would be nice if they’d just get a wider selection of craft beers and local wines instead of promoting disgusting American-made piss-water like Budweiser,” said Bryce Merchant, a Fredericton cicerone. “No, I don’t want a Coors Light and a slice of zucchini-raisin bread. I just want a tasty, organic, reasonably priced beer. ANBL has missed the mark yet again.”
Manatee reporters entered the NB Liquor store on Prospect Street where patrons were sampling cod liver oil from Dixie cups while they waited for their growlers to be filled.
“Yeauuuak! This shit is nasty, man!” announced one customer. “What even is it? It’s supposed to be healthy? If this is what health tastes like, I’d rather be diseased.”
Burnett nervously countered with vague, practised statements about ANBL always doing its best to champion local alcohol producers, endorse quality products, and make their bottom line. “Everyone has their own tastes,” he said ambiguously.
“NB Liquor aims to cater to these tastes to the best of our ability…. the best of our ability…. the best of our ability…” he echoed, retreating backwards into the beer cooler.