Another 25,000-pound lobster obstructing Petitcodiac River

Moncton — For the second time in 2 weeks a massive lobster — estimated to be roughly 25 tonnes — has somehow made its way up the winding brown waters of the Petitcodiac River and now appears to be firmly embedded in the mud along the banks of Moncton’s Tidal Bore Park.

People in the area are once again expressing their frustrations with the city for not removing the mammoth, bothersome crustacean in a timely fashion since its arrival several days ago, stating the irate and confused animal — towering over the river with its gigantic snapping claws — is not only an eyesore for would-be tourists looking to catch a glimpse at the city’s iconic tidal bore, but also a potential flooding concern and possibly even a danger to the public.

“They really need to get their act together and remove this thing ASAP,” said Moncton resident Karen Shaw of the city’s perceived slow response to the colossal invasive arthropod. “It’s disgusting. No one wants to see a monstrous, dirty bottom-feeder flailing around in the mud. And what if another one of these things comes floating along? The two of them could easily jam up the river and all of downtown Moncton would be flooded.”

Mike Rogers, who jogs along the riverside trail each morning, also expressed his annoyance with the city for its prolonged delay in returning the blimp-sized sea creature to the ocean. “To put it lightly, I’m a little ticked off,” he said. “It would be nice to go for a run in the morning and not have to worry about getting nipped in half by another dumb, gargantuan lobster that can’t tell the difference between the ocean and a frigging river. Now I know how those poor Shediac people felt when their lobster population got so out of control, though, this is evidently a much weightier problem.”

In a statement to the press, Moncton Mayor George LeBlanc empathized with the public but said that relocating a lobster of such carriage requires a lot of moving parts that aren’t easily put in place.

“We had to get another crane out of New York so we don’t encounter the same unfortunate issue we had a few weeks ago,” he said, referring to an incident where the previous massive lobster being hoisted out by crane snapped a 5-inch-thick steel cable with its enormous serrated claws and which resulted in one onlooker’s legs being severed clean off by the recoiling line.

“We also had to wait for 2 extra-thick 3-metre-long rubber bands to arrive from Taiwan (the only place they’re manufactured) to put around the animal’s claws and prevent any potential snipping.”

Although work is currently underway, city workers are having difficulty removing the public nuisance, stating that the animal appears to be firmly ensconced in the frozen river sediment.

“This is stubborn one,” said crane operator Harold Stevens. “We could be here a while, so don’t hold your breath.”