Canadian phone service providers shut down as a ‘screw you’ to ungrateful customers

Canadian phone service providers shut down as a ‘screw you’ to ungrateful customers

Nova Scotia — Cellphone customers of Telus and Bell had yet another reason to be irate today when the large companies had had enough of the constant grumbling about prices and decided to teach Canadians a lesson. The two large providers shut down their service so that customers would be completely unable to make any phone calls, send or receive text messages, or access a data connection.

“We’ve had it with people saying our prices are too high, that we stifle competition, that we’re gouging our country. Enough!” exclaimed Telus spokesperson Manny Lewis at a press conference in Halifax. “You should all be grateful that we even let you use our service for your stupid phone calls. Nobody cares if Trey is going to ask you to the prom. Nobody cares about your baby name ideas. And you can be damn sure that not one person in the history of the Earth wants to hear about your disgusting toe fungus!

“And oh yeah, we do record all your calls and texts. So what?” added a spiteful Lewis, smirking at the gathered crowd.

 Telus also owns Koodo, whose customers are without service as well. Many people in the crowd at the Telus press conference were eager to express their displeasure to The Manatee.

“I already get no service in rural areas, and the one day I’m in town I get no service at all? What a load!” hollered Tim Matheson. “I better get a big discount on my next bill, or else I’m switching to Rogers. Not that it’s a huge step up.”

“This is the last straw, I swear,” said Suzanna Machum, throwing her smartphone on the ground. “At this point, I’m moving to another country. Canadians are getting majorly shafted.”

Curiously, Rogers, widely criticized for its high prices and poor customer service, did not join the other phone companies in solidarity against the consumers.

“Our customers have had to deal with enough crap from us as it is,” explained Rogers spokesperson Dev Mattel over the phone. “I’m not going to get into all the annoying things we already do to them. They know what it is. We’re taking a break from that crap today — it’s Friday.”

The Manatee, a Rogers customer, attempted to reach Bell representatives for comment but our reporter spent 40 minutes getting rerouted through the automated customer service machine, before having their call sent to an agent in India who would only offer us $5 off our next bill, instead of any explanation. Stay tuned for updates on whether The Manatee actually does get that discount at the end of the month. Our anonymous insider source says it is unlikely.

  1. And i thought someone at Bell tripped over a dollar store power bar someone used to plug in some of their critical infrastructure. Good job with a quick story on this Manatee!!

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  2. This made me laugh way too hard.

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  3. It was Trump! He had the Russians hack our phone and Internet to interfere with our attempts to coordinate a defense of softwood lumber trade. They ignored Rogers and subsidiary companies because they don’t actually use wooden computers like Bell!

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  4. Hahaha I work in the industry, this story is completely fabricated. Telus didn’t even have a press conference and there was a fiber line cut from a main node that acted as a highway from their head office. Do you really like a multi million dollar company would sully their own name?

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  5. How can people just wake up, create a fake story and post it as truth? I believe in freedom of speech but naieve people will actually believe this slander. Bell had a node breach and nearly all other providers rely on bell and their extensive infastructure. This is a lie! Not a word of it happened.

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  6. Scroll down and look at this websites legal disclaimer hahahaha. Omg… Says our stories are all fictitious and our sources are fake, read at own risk LOL

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  7. Everyone has a choice. Adopt technology or don’t. It’s that simple.

    Reply

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