Fredericton — A new course is about to be added to the roster at universities across the Atlantic Canadian provinces, according to New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant, who made the announcement this morning at St. Thomas University’s Sir James Dunn Hall.
“We’ll pilot the course here at STU for obvious reasons — people with undergraduate degrees from this university especially are stuck working in the call centres I’ve opened because they just can’t pass Irving’s honesty test for employment. Heck, even most people with master’s degrees can’t pass the damn thing. Hopefully this course will help them get over that hurdle and into the world of gainful work here in New Brunswick.”
STU president Dawn Russell was beaming as she elaborated. “It’s going to be called something like, oh, I dunno, ‘Modern Honesty in the Corporate World 1201’ let’s say. The first semester will conclude by having students pass the Hare Psychopathy Test, which will be like a dry run for the real thing, since psychopaths ‘prey ruthlessly on others using charm, deceit, violence or other methods that allow them to get with they want.’ What could be more Irving than that?”
Semester one will teach students basic chemistry, so they can dilute their urine efficiently in order to pass the Irving drug test that accompanies the written portion. The second semester will focus on the science of glyphosate studies. Both terms will feature guest lecturers who have themselves passed the test and can share their wisdom.
Russell added that a specialized finance section of the course will focus on Bermuda-based tax-dodging techniques. “We don’t expect the Irvings will ask potential employees about that on the test, but we want to make sure our students have an edge during interviews.”
As anyone who’s ever taken the Irving honesty test knows, the bulk of the questions are philosophical, with a heavy emphasis on morality.
“That’s why students will engage in lively philosophical debate,” Russell went on. “Topics will range from whether you should sell your mom down-river for stealing a pen, to whether you should rat on an employee who called in sick to work but who only had a severe flu.”
Gallant said if the course draws enough positive attention in New Brunswick, he hopes to export it to universities across the Maritimes and beyond. “That way people who’ve taken the course elsewhere will consider coming to New Brunswick when they’re looking for work. They won’t want to have wasted their money and time on it for nothing, right?”
UNB and STU administration are also in preliminary talks about implementing a special master’s program in Irving studies, called the M-BS.