Bathurst stoners win ‘Best Burnouts’ award at New Bongswick Drag-a-thon

Bathurst — A group of Bathurst High School potheads didn’t quite earn the top honour at the New Bongswick Drag-a-thon, but a show of hard work resulted in a new award being created just for them.

“It was amazing, the judges were blown away by their work ethic,” said shop teacher Randy Savage, who babysits the school’s underachievers since there’s no money to run a proper shop class.

stonerThe New Bongswick Drag-a-thon was founded in 2010, in an effort to create an extracurricular activity for slackers who have no interest in anything else. The competitive pot-smoking event is held annually on April 20, unless the organizers “like, totally space on the date,” as they did this year, resulting in the contest being bumped up to May 20.

“It makes me, like, actually want to come to school,” said Grade 12 student Len Doiron. “My friends and me, none of us were ever into doing things like books or sports. That stuff’s for narcs and nerds. The Drag-a-thon is for us — it’s our chance to show everyone we’re not ah, like, we’re not … y’know, not whatever or crap.”

“These kids seem like your average potheads,” explained Savage. “They get to school, smoke up, some are high when they get here because their bum parents let them wake n’ bake, they vape in the bathrooms between classes, and spend their noon hours toking in the ditch at the end of the school property. They think no one can see them, but the windows of the teachers’ lounge face that direction.”

However, the Drag-a-thon challenges stoners to be more than average. There are time trials for joint rolling as well as bong cleaning/packing. Lung capacity is measured, as well as how big of hits smokers can take, how fast a hit is inhaled and how long a hit can be held without exhaling. There is also a creative component with the “make-your-own pipe/bong” contest, judging entries upon aesthetic value, functionality and resourcefulness (depending upon what household items or pieces of trash were used in the creation).

“I knew we had a special bunch of kids,” Savage said proudly. “I told everyone: pay attention to them and you’ll notice that there’s nothing average about them. For potheads, they have great habits. They’re hard workers and very considerate of those around them.”

While all of the top prizes were awarded to high schools from the Miramichi or Saint John areas, the Bathurst High team “blew the minds” of the judges, and so a special category was created to honour them: “Best Burnouts.”

“They were like, out of this world!” said judge Regis Maltais, president of the Campbellton Regional Chamber of Commerce, and a proponent of marijuana legalization. “After they were done blazing, they sprayed themselves with Febreze. I asked them why and they were all like ‘Our school’s a scent-free environment man, we don’t wanna cause allergies!’ When finished their munchies, instead of just vegging — get this — they actually got up on their feet, on their feet, and walked over to the trash cans to throw their chip bags and chocolate bar wrappers out! Then, they took their energy drink empties to the recycling bin! All of us were completely mind-fucked by their motivation to do stuff. I mean, these kids, they got their shit together. They truly earned the title of Best Burnouts.”

“We couldn’t be happier. My teammates and I. We really put the high in high school,” laughed Doiron at his own cleverness.

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