Atlantic Canada — The 2016 census results have revealed that, for the first time, people over the age of 65 now outnumber children in Atlantic Canada.
“The Maritime provinces have seen a huge decline in people aged 15 to 64,” said Ryan Vanderbilt of Statistics Atlantic. “When the news broke about the imbalance, it’s as if the floodgates of seniors’ nascent violence and vitriol were flung open. They’re out beating people with their canes, trampling lawns in their walkers, holding up pharmacies demanding free prescription refills — really just letting loose.”
Police are reporting increases in assaults on teenagers by gangs of senior citizens.
“Once we found out there were more of us than them, we realized didn’t have to put up with their lip anymore and just started getting together and taking care of the little twerps,” said Bernard Henderson, 94, of Moncton. “Now we can go to the park, sit on a bench and feed the ducks without all those little bastards with their loud music and swearing.”
The police have no control over the situation, since officers are nothing but “mouthy young rapscalions,” according to the unruly seniors.
“I tried to stop a group of old people from jaywalking across a busy highway,” recalled Const. Jay Belleview, 34, of Fredericton, “but they just yelled that I should respect my elders, and said that back in their day, young people weren’t so entitled. Then they rambled on about how I wouldn’t have lasted a second in ‘the big war’… I just let them do their thing in the end.”
“Where are all the kids? I don’t give a rat’s ass! That’s where!” gummed Edith Peterson, 84, of Saint John. “I’ve been waiting for this for a couple of decades now. I knew it was coming — you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see that these little crumbsnatchers are getting out of New Brunswick and quick.
“Seems they finally figured out that there’s nothing here for them; either that or they’re afraid of us… and rightfully so! Well, don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out, kids!”
Psychologist Francis LeBlanc, 42, claims that the seniors have years’ worth of pent-up anger and aggression as a result of a lack of adequate care in Atlantic Canadian hospitals and homes.
“We’ve pushed them aside and treated them as second-class citizens for ages,” explained LeBlanc. “We haven’t provided for them, we’ve brushed off their real pains as simply part of the aging process, we’ve infantalized them… I mean, what do we expect? Of course they hate us!”
Authorities suggest that, until the current batch of anarchist old people die off, the few remaining young Maritimers avoid their wrath by staying inside and not listening to music too loudly.