Dear PC leadership candidates: how do I ask her to the prom?

Today, The Manatee unveils a new advice column feature where ordinary New Brunswickers can ask the candidates for the N.B. Progressive Conservative leadership for advice on everyday problems. The questions will be posed to all candidates, and each will have an opportunity to respond.

Dear PC leadership candidates: There’s a girl in my class – Hannah – who I really like and I’d like to ask her to the prom. I know for a fact that she doesn’t have a date already. Any suggestions for a last-minute prom-posal?  Sincerely, Shy and Out of Time

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Blaine Higgs: I have 4 daughters so I know a little something about this. Seriously, there’s no way that girl’s father wants to see you anywhere near his adorable little angel. It’s going to be total agony for him to see a piss-ant like you sidle up to his pride and joy and put your horny little hands all over her. Forget it, greaseball — she’s too good for you.

Brian MacDonald: If you really want to go to the prom with her, you’ve got to be the first to announce it – that’s the most important thing. Also, it helps if Peter MacKay shows up for no apparent reason. After she says yes, I’ve got two words for you: tartan tuxedo! Bam!

Jake Stewart: Seriously, you’ve got to wait until 4 or 5 other people say they want to take her before you throw your hat into the ring – that will show your confidence. You don’t want to appear too eager or decisive. Also, get some new “Harry Potter” glasses for the prom-posal too – girls love Harry Potter! If she looks uncertain, start throwing some shade about the Official Languages Act and Katherine d’Entremont. A little pandering never hurt anyone.

Mel Norton: You’ve got to do it the “Saint John” way! Take her out for a nice fish dinner at Grannan’s (get bottled water!), then whisk her away to the romantic Reversing Falls (make sure you are not downwind of the paper mill!). Finally, cap it off with a midnight visit to the bandstand in King’s Square. Ha ha, just kidding! Do not go near King’s Square after dark. Seriously.

Mike Allen: I think the main problem is making sure that she knows who you are. You might be hot stuff in your own little area, but the rest of the school… or province even… may have never heard of you before. Try to get some friends to talk you up so she gets used to hearing your name… while holding a picture of you if possible, especially if you’re a handsome devil like me. Maybe get a cool hashtag such as #LikeMike?

Monica Barley: What? You just ask her nicely! If she says yes, try hard to be a good date and make it a special, memorable night. I don’t get it… is this a trick question? What am I missing?