Ebenezer Irving discovers true meaning of Christmas

Ebenezer Irving discovers true meaning of Christmas

Irving Manor — Ebenezer Irving, often forgotten for being the grouchy old miser of the empire who doesn’t like to leave his mansion and has no direct descendants, had a life-changing experience this Christmas, authorities say.

According to Const. Peter Murray of the New Brunswick RCMP, Irving Manor lies somewhere near Bouctouche and had a particularly cold, bleak Christmas Eve this year. Murray said that the local dispatch received a number of increasingly crazed calls from Irving that night, but that no officers were sent to investigate due to the nature of the calls.

“The first call we received from the particular individual was placed mid-evening,” explained a skeptical Murray. “He claimed that the ghost of Max Aitken, 1st Baron Beaverbrook, appeared before him in chains and warned him that he would be visited by 3 spirits that night. Our operator thought that the call had to be a Christmas prank, as it sounded almost identical to the plot of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.”

“No more than an hour later, at 1:02 a.m., we received another call from the individual in question, this time claiming that a spirit resembling Richard Hatfield driving a Bricklin and calling itself the ‘Ghost of New Brunswick Past’ took him on an unwanted trip down memory lane, showing him instances in the past where he was particularly miserly and horrible, such as how he got out of paying taxes by strong-arming the government and the time he refused to give money to Girl Scouts selling cookies.

“We told the individual to got to back to bed, but an hour later we received yet another call. The individual was ranting about the ‘Ghost of New Brunswick Present,’ who supposedly bore an uncanny resemblance to a giant-sized version of Fredericton MLA David Coon. This time the caller claimed that the spirit attempted to teach him a lesson about humility and thinking of others.

“The final call we received was regarding an alleged ‘Ghost of New Brunswick Future’ — a large, black figure resembling a moldy Harvey’s Big Potato, wearing his signature top hat. Irving claims that the apparition took him to New Brunswick’s distant future, where there were no trees, no jobs and no hope. Just massive pits of bubbling oil and welfare recipients moaning like zombies. At this point we blocked his phone number.”

The Manatee‘s reporter was able to visit Irving in his mansion and interrogate him about his alleged otherworldly visitors. Irving told The Manatee that he now deeply regrets his past stinginess.

“I swear to now treat everyone with kindness, with generosity, and compassion; I vow to now embody the spirit of Christmas,” he began, but just then, Irving ran to his window, threw open the sash, and cried out: “You there! Boy! What day is it?”

“Why, it’s Christmas Day, sir!” piped Premier Brian Gallant.

Irving, beaming with joy, began throwing wads of cash and tax exemption forms out his window. The Manatee reporter immediately left to scrounge what he could amidst the horde of passersby grabbing all within reach.

“God bless us, everyone!” declared Gallant, proudly gazing at the fervent crowd.

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