Election update: New Brunswickers keen to appoint new scapegoat

Election update: New Brunswickers keen to appoint new scapegoat

New Brunswick — The wait is almost over. After a seemingly never-ending federal election, today New Brunswickers will finally find out who will be the next prime minister of Canada and, more importantly, who will be to blame for the future failures of our great province.

Entering the last day of campaigning, three parties remain in the heat: Mulcair’s NDP, Harper’s incumbent Conservatives and Justin’s (last name apparently unknown) Liberals. And it’s still unclear which of these candidates will come out victorious.

Residents all across New Brunswick are eagerly awaiting a victor, so they can focus their attention on complaining about the appropriate political party.

“It’s been a little murky lately,” suggested Katelynn Summers of Nackawick. “I don’t know who exactly I should be blaming for the fact that I don’t have a job. Is it the Liberals’ fault because they’re running the province? Or is it the Conservatives’ because they run the country? I mean, I know it’s not my fault, so I need to know who to protest against — tonight’s election is going to be so exciting!”

Summers isn’t the only impatient New Brunswicker. The Manatee interviewed dozens of citizens who were confused about where to direct their blame.

“It would be a lot easier if the guy with the pretty hair won,” said Kevin Borders of Rothesay. “That way there would be no doubt whatsoever about who was at fault for my not saving any money for retirement.”

When asked whether that meant Borders would be casting his vote for the Liberal party, he was non-committal. “I wouldn’t go that far just yet,” he said. “First I need to do my research and find out which one of these clowns is going to make sure I get some money. I worked for 30 years and don’t have a dime to show for it — someone has to take responsibility for that!”

The Manatee learned that Moncton residents aren’t quite ready for the election to be over.

“I love the campaigning,” declared Sarah Fullerton, a 34-year-old teacher from the area. “Normally the city is so dirty and plain-looking; all these campaign signs add some much-needed colour and really class this place up.”

Betsy Harris, an 83-year-old retiree from Riverview, shared a similar view. “Oh, dear no, the election can’t end yet — I’ve never gotten so many phone calls and visits in my life! Even if the calls are normally just recordings, it’s still nice to hear someone’s voice.”

National voter turnout is projected to be at an all-time high, but several factors are at play when it comes to New Brunswickers actually getting out to the polls.

“Traditionally speaking, New Brunswickers will take a lot of things into consideration if and when they head to their voting stations,” explained The Manatee?s political trends expert Joseph Williams. “What’s the weather going to be like? Do they have a way to get there? Is there going to be a line they have to wait in? What’s in it for them? Are they sober enough to walk? What time is the Jays game on? Is there a dress code? Do they have anything better to do? These are just some of the deep issues that residents will weigh before ever casting a ballot.”

Though the results are not yet clear, one thing is certain for New Brunswickers — by tomorrow, they will have a much easier time figuring out who exactly is to blame for their many problems.

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