Fredericton — The City of Fredericton Council has come under fire for allegedly buying stock in automobile shock absorbers. An anonymous informant going by the name “Bob Butafuoccio” has leaked documents linking all of the city council members to a devious scheme to cash in on unsuspecting motorists.
“I knew something was shady when you couldn’t drive anywhere in the city without rattling your sphincter like a church bell,”Butafuoccio said. “I mean everywhere you look they’re digging up the road to dig up the road. I swear to god I’ve seen them move dirt from one hole to the other.”
This summer was an extremely busy one for Fredericton roads. Major projects on the Westmorland Street Bridge, Main and Prospect streets have all led to major delays in traffic, and large sections of road being dug up. However, Butafuoccio says it isn’t a coincidence the repairs have taken so long.
“You see the reason these guys still have Prospect Street looking like Omaha Beach in Normandy is because they’ve all sunk their money into shock stocks. Think about it. If you can force people to drive through a battlefield every day, then chances are those shocks are gonna get busted up,” Butafuoccio said.
A local auto-mechanic spoke with The Manatee under the condition of anonymity.
“Look here, see. I don’t want no problems, but I gotta admit our business was up 40 percent this summer. I know a guy on the Northside who has his business up almost 75 percent. Just fixin’ friggin’ shocks — it’s crazy,” he said.
The City of Fredericton Council has denied the allegations, saying all projects are on schedule and that their private dealings have never before influenced their decisions. It’s only a coincidence that most major thoroughfares in the city saw simultaneous projects going on.
“Look, I got almost 2 dozen receipts out of the garbage bin behind City Hall. They’re all buying auto-shock stocks online. I even saw a party hat with “Dr. Evil” wrote on it; they think they’re masterminds — someone’s got to do something,” said the anonymous mechanic.
So far no charges have been laid, but local police say it’s often a bumpy road to justice.