Fredericton — The City of Fredericton has begun a fake study on red-light cameras using the same statistical models that Irving Oil utilizes to faux-analyze the environmental impacts of their industrial and forestry activities.
Ward 9 Councillor Stephen Chase told reporters at a morning press conference that while the provincial Motor Vehicle Act doesn’t permit the use of red light cameras, he’s keeping his fingers crossed that the province flip-flops on the matter like it did on abortion access.
“We recognize the importance of enforcement as key part of this going forward, because, let’s face it, Fredericton police resources are limited and they’re corrupt. Just look at the number of suspended officers!”
Chase emphasized that Fredericton City Council plans on turning to the use of technology to catch speeders, make extra money from fines and thwart dirty cops who would rather engage in domestic violence and shoplifting than issue tickets.
Unbeknownst to citizens, red-light cameras were set up all over Fredericton for months before the surveillance tapes were sent to the same black void that Irving’s fracking environmental impact studies go for analysis.
“We don’t have any findings yet, but I’m confident I can pull information out of my wazoo as good as that Irving spokesperson,” Chase told this Manatee reporter. “And my magical ass tells me that there are a lot of people running red lights and speeding through intersections.”
While Chase isn’t particularly concerned about the safety impact of vehicles running red lights, he is hopeful that the city will cash in on their new business venture. “Ultimately, I’d like to see us make enough money from fines to buy more strip clubs or maybe even fill some potholes,” he said.
Despite Chase’s enthusiasm, Frederictonians appear to have mixed feelings about the use of red light cameras. “I can’t believe that our city is turning into a fascist state,” fumed Phil Daigle. “It’s not right that the government can try to catch me breaking laws. What’s next? If I get caught on camera stabbing someone, will they lock me up and throw away the key?”
Fredericton Police Chief Leanne Fitch shares Daigle’s concerns on the city’s Kafkaesque scheme. “This is just Council’s way of trying to make our police force redundant,” claimed Fitch. “But red light cameras can’t enforce the law, apprehend flashers, or strong-arm annoying bloggers and drunken soldiers.”
It’s not all bad news, though, according to local soccer mom Shelby Wilson. “It’s long overdue!” Wilson exclaimed as she recounted how her son’s neck was injured at an unsafe intersection where he was almost mowed down by a reckless motorist. “My precious 17-year old baby came home with these reddish bruises and scratches all over his neck and chest after an evening of studying with his girlfriend.
“If red-light cameras can protect my son, I’m all for it.”
I laughed a lot. But just a note: “My precious 17-year old baby came ‘home’ with these reddish bruises”
Thanks Tim! We fixed the mistake. Good catch.