French’s ketchup being mandated in all New Brunswick schools

New Brunswick — Last week CBC reported that French’s ketchup was being pulled from Loblaws stores across the country due to its low impact on the ketchup market.

Up until then, New Brunswick’s languages commissioner Katherine D’Entremont hadn’t realized that such a ketchup even existed, but is now demanding that it be the only brand available in New Brunswick schools.

“It’s unfair that the children of New Brunswick — or as I prefer to call it, Nouveau-Brunswick — have not been forced to use French’s ketchup,” she argued. “Simply put, it’s a travesty that they’ve only had access to the obviously French-hating Heinz ketchup. This needs to change now!”

D’Entremont sent her furious request to Premier Gallant stating that not only is she moving to implement French’s ketchup as a choice in schools, but is suggesting it be used on all English foods served in school cafeterias.

“Any food without the word ‘French’ in it should have to be covered in French’s ketchup,” explained D’Entremont. “English muffins, English cucumbers, Chinese fried rice, oatmeal, apples, cookies — anything that doesn’t explicitly say ‘French.’ Like French fries for example; they wouldn’t need ketchup.”

The Manatee reached out to the premier to get his reaction on this proposal. “My people have looked at the proposal,” Gallant admitted, “and they’ve determined that it will be really costly to implement this change. It won’t be fiscally responsible at all, but we’re still going to do it because she recommended it — that’s just how this stuff works.”

Students seemed disgusted by not only the thought of having to put ketchup on all of their food, but also that the ketchup used won’t be their beloved Heinz.

“There are no other kinds!” shouted 14-year-old Maryann Jefferson, who attends Fredericton’s Leo Hayes High school. “We’re not animals! We shouldn’t be forced to eat anything less than Heinz ketchup — every other kind is disgusting.”

School board officials responded by saying that, as it stands, schools don’t currently use Heinz ketchup.

“Goodness no, we don’t use that stuff,” said Kevin Leary, the province’s senior executive vice-president of condiment supplies. “We actually make our own ketchup out of canned tomatoes, water and a bunch of sugar. We mash it all up and pour it into Heinz bottles so no one will know any differently — I can trust you to keep this secret, right?”

The Manatee caught up with Premier Gallant as he was smearing ketchup onto his English muffin for breakfast this morning, and he claimed the change will be implemented immediately and the province will not be waiting until the current ketchup supply is used up.

“No, we’re not waiting and making these children suffer any longer,” he said, gagging slightly on his ketchup-covered bread. “No matter the cost, no matter how much further it sinks us into debt, we need to make sure our food offerings are fair for both the French and English populations of New Brunswick — especially the French.”