Fredericton — Looking to capitalize on the aftereffects of the debate Monday evening between American presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Premier Brian Gallant has planned an equally stirring debate here in New Brunswick.
This debate, which will be held at the Capital Exhibit Centre in Fredericton on Friday, Sept. 30 at 7 p.m., will have the twofold effect of solving New Brunswick’s ongoing language tensions, as well as bringing in a massive amount of funds to help ease the budget deficit.
“We’ll find the two most skilled orators from the anglophone and francophone communities, and they’ll be immersed in a sort of ‘think-tank’ of like-minded people for the rest of this week… just until they’re ready to blast their opponent with facts, real or made up,” Gallant explained. “It’ll be super entertaining, and we can make a butt-load of money by charging people to connect to Wi-Fi, by vending popcorn and other snacks, and of course by selling last-minute tickets at the door for maybe like 50 bucks.”
Our reporter asked the premier how his cabinet will find the two speakers, and what exactly they will be debating.
“Well, I figure me and some of the other ministers can just troll the comments section of CBC stories about bilingualism,” he said. “The voices that emerge the most often and with the most exclamations marks will be asked to try out — it’s obvious that those are the people who have the most valuable opinions and knowledge on the subject. We’ll narrow it down from there.
“As for topics, they can discuss the pros and cons of offering free language courses for unemployed New Brunswickers, the effects of the dual-busing system — that kind of thing. And in the final round we’ll just let them say whatever they want about Katherine d’Entremont.”
The premier said that, depending on the success of this first debate, others may follow. “Well, sure, if I need to make some extra money, I’ll host more debates about hot-button issues such as whether I look better in a red, crimson or ruby tie. Really important stuff.”