God sends flood to destroy New Brunswick

Fredericton — Water levels are rising fast in the Picture Province, and many residents have noticed that the perennial springtime flooding is lasting even longer than usual. According to Premier Brian Gallant, God Almighty has chosen him to build an ark where he and a select few New Brunswickers will wait out a devastating flood that will soon envelop the entire province.

“God came to me in a dream and told me to build an ark!” bellowed Gallant in an old-timey voice that could only be described as biblical. “Back in the Old Testament, God said He would never again flood the Earth. But He didn’t say anything about New Brunswick!”

We asked Gallant to ask God why He’s chosen to destroy New Brunswick specifically.

“OK… I’m getting something here… one sec,” said Gallant, with his eyes shut and his hands on his ears. “OK… what’s that, God? Uh-huh… yeah… OK cool sounds good.”

Gallant awoke from his reverie to say that God hates New Brunswick for a host of reasons.

“He’s had enough of our shit in general. There are too many reasons to name, but He did mention that we always give away employment contracts to other provinces,” he began, listing items off on his fingers, “there’s the whole property tax scandal, the fact that the French and English populations can never get along, the government screwing over any grads who relied on the tuition tax rebate, endless tax breaks for the Irvings, opening transitory call centres instead of creating real jobs, letting NB Power gouge their customers, politicians caring more about photo ops than their constituents’ issues — the list goes on and on.

“Actually… it sounds like God has grown weary of mostly things I’ve done myself,” mused Gallant, “but thank Heaven, He’s giving me another chance! We’re tight like that.”

Gallant didn’t look much like a modern-day Noah, our reporter pointed out. The premier explained that he shaved his long, scraggly beard so he’d look good for the KIRA Awards last night, but today the stubble is already growing back and he’s working away on his project. Gallant showed us the structure, which is temporarily docked in the St. John River in downtown Fredericton until the heavy rains begin to fall.

Most of the wood and other supplies were purchased at Home Hardware, said the premier, who then for some reason assured us that Blaze is already safely on board. “I bought enough dog food for 40 days and 40 nights, but hopefully the whole thing won’t last that long. I know God will spare Blaze, if no one else. He’s a very holy animal.”

We asked who else will make the cut.

“God said I can bring two of every type of New Brunswicker. So far it’s down to: two francophones, two anglophones, two representatives from each political party, two Irvings, two McCains, two Mormon missionaries, two people on E.I., two university students, two suspended police officers, two Syrian refugees, two homeless people, and two children — if we can find any.”

If you believe you should be allowed onto the ark, Gallant will be holding tryouts tomorrow morning at the lighthouse in Fredericton. “I’ll be vetting applicants,” he exclaimed, “but it’s God Almighty making the final cut!”