Fredericton — It was a beautiful morning to graduate in the capital city, and hundreds of inexperienced, impressionable youths walked across the stage at the Aitken Centre to receive their much-deserved diplomas.
As part of the UNB graduation ceremony, Premier Brian Gallant took to the stage to encourage graduates to remain in New Brunswick to live and work.
“We have 3,000 jobs waiting for YOU on nbjobs.ca!” he lied to the gullible young suckers. “You’ve worked hard, acquired the skills, and now it’s going to pay off — welcome to your life in New Brunswick!”
The new grads were so overcome with joy and hopeful anticipation that not one of them bothered to pull out their phone and bring up nbjobs.ca to find out that there are nowhere near 3,000 jobs in their home province. Instead they broke into raucous applause for the beaming premier.
Our reporter later began interviewing several of the graduates.
“I’m now the proud proprietor of a business degree,” said Sarah Darling, a naive young thing who has no sweet clue what type of rejection awaits her when she begins applying for one of the few part-time contract jobs available. “I wonder where I’ll go to work? I’ve been told a business degree is applicable in most careers these days, and I have 3,000 careers to choose from. Watch out, world!”
“I think I’ll start at the bottom of the ladder, like an HR manager at a bank or something,” said finance major Brent McManis, another wide-eyed, easily deceived innocent. “Then I’ll move up to be president or CFO. I have a university degree now, so anything’s within my reach.”
“I have a science degree and I’m gonna cure cancer one day,” said Kara Bosworth, an overtrusting, exploitable 21-year-old. “Premier Gallant promised I could do anything I put my mind to, and he’s so handsome — there’s no way he’d lie!”
One particularly unworldly graduate, Neil Morrison, didn’t believe our reporter when we told him outright that the government came up with the number “3,000” based on individual job postings online; so if an employer posts a job on Monster.ca and Indeed.ca, that one position counts as two.
“What? No way. I don’t buy it,” said the unsuspicious economics grad, who also didn’t believe us about New Brunswick’s ever-rising unemployment rate. “There’s no way the government thinks we’re that foolish — obviously I’m going to check it out for myself. Not right now, but like, when I start applying for jobs in the fall. This summer I’m just gonna take it easy at my parents’ lake house.”
“Lucky for me, students these days don’t learn to research claims, to find proof. And they sure as heck don’t check sources,” Gallant told our reporter in the parking lot after the ceremony. “A quick Google search would reveal that there are in fact hardly any jobs here, let alone 3,000 good ones. But these kids are too busy taking selfies for Instagram to think about the real world beyond school walls.”
Gallant then joined the crowd of credulous youngsters for a few selfies of his own.
“Gather round, kids…!” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around grads’ shoulders. “3…2…1…nbjobs.ca!”