Guy’s team loses, so of course he’s a jerk today

Guy’s team loses, so of course he’s a jerk today

Atlantic Canada — With both the Montreal Canadiens and the Toronto Maple Leafs being eliminated from the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs this weekend, workplaces are this morning flooded with people acting like jerks due to disappointment over their favourite teams’ seasons ending.

“The stupid refs obviously wanted the Rangers to win,” complained a disgruntled Oliver Slaney of Halifax. “It’s all about ratings; they need to keep the American viewers interested ’cause that’s where the money is — pretty blatant.”

While conspiracy theories were flowing at Slaney’s office today, some co-workers were put off and confused by his anger.

“He’s being a total jerk,” confirmed Bailey Teller, who has worked with Slaney for years. “Wouldn’t even say ‘good morning’ or anything — just keeps mumbling something like ‘this was supposed to be our year.’ I tried to cheer him up by buying him a cup of coffee and he acted all insulted and threw it in the garbage — I don’t know what his deal is.”

“Well come on, that was a low blow,” defended Slaney. “He was rubbing it in my face by getting me that coffee. Like he was saying, ‘Here, I got you this since you’ll never be able to get your own cup’ — real subtle.”

Similar frustration was reported in Moncton at the Crane Supply building where avid Leafs supporter Clark Walter-Ryan came in to work upset and moody.

“I don’t get it… does he play on this team?” wondered Alisha Bourdon. “He keeps saying ‘we shoulda done this better’ and ‘we should’ve traded for so and so,’ but I really don’t think he’s in good enough shape to play any kind of hockey, let alone professional hockey, and between us I don’t think he’s bright enough to a part of the management or anything — maybe he’s the towel guy or something? Either way, he’s miserable to be around right now.”

“I just need a few days to get over this, let it sink in,” responded Walter-Clark. “But we’ll put this loss behind us and we’ll move on. We’ll learn from this, you know? We’ll come back better next season — this is a development opportunity for us.”

We spoke with a Maple Leafs fan in Fredericton who was seemingly confused by the meaning of the word “win”; she stated that Toronto had won, in a way, despite the team’s factual loss to the Washington Capitals on Sunday night.

“This is actually a win for us,” explained Barb Aster. “We had a good season and no one thought we would, so really we won. I kept telling everyone that, which made it so I couldn’t lose. I’m protecting myself from scrutiny. Earlier in the day yesterday I was making fun of some Boston fans when they were beat out and then when they tried to do the same thing to me later on, they couldn’t because I just responded with how we actually won — despite the losing.”

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