Hanwell – The small community of Hanwell has ceased to pay the Fredericton Fire Department for their services and has instead decided to rely on a smaller fire department that’s significantly farther away.
On Jan. 1, Hanwell’s fire coverage was transferred to the Upper Kingsclear Fire Department, despite the nearer Fredericton department’s proven reliability in emergency situations.
The reason for the switch is a text Hanwell’s Mayor Brad Goodman noticed on his wife Karen’s phone from Fredericton fire chief Kirk Rutledge. “The text was flirty to say the least,” said a distraught Goodman. “I knew they were friends, but from what I can tell he’s trying to steal her from me, and I just won’t stand for that.”
Understandably, the residents of Hanwell are upset that their taxes will be increasing to cover the shifted fire service; specifically, the hike means an additional 10 cents for every $100 of the appraised value of residents’ homes. “Basically, we’re suffering because Goodman’s wife has a wandering eye,” said longtime Hanwell dweller Marge Ross, 37. “But can you blame her? Those Fredericton firefighters are so sexy … I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about them sometimes, too.”
After the annual firemen’s ball in December, Mayor Goodman noticed the flirty text that said “U looked great tonight, btw” with a winky-face emoticon pop up on his wife’s unattended Nexus 5. Goodman immediately called the notably attractive head of the Fredericton Fire Department with a message of his own. “I told the guy to back off, and not only that, but that his troupe of ‘firefighters’ — more like fire starters — could back off too. Permanently.”
“I ain’t no cuckold,” he spewed, red in the face.
Many Hanwell residents are concerned about their compromised safety, as firefighters from Upper Kingsclear will have to travel about 20 km farther to save citizens from any potential infernos. “We’re at risk of being burned alive because of the mayor’s pride,” said an incredulous Rick Comeau, 41. “If he’s so prone to jealousy, why couldn’t he just get in shape? I think that was his New Year’s resolution anyway.”
While Goodman has no real plan to hit the gym himself, he is hoping the firefighters from Upper Kingsclear are less physically appealing than their Fredericton counterparts. “I hope my wife thinks so too,” he added.