New Brunswick — Environment Canada has issued a heavy weather-talk warning today for central and southern parts of New Brunswick. As many as 300,000 people are expected to boringly blather on about the rain and flooding between this afternoon and Friday.
“There’s going to be a lot of phones inundated with inane nothings regarding the weather,” said meteorologist Peter Coade. “And expect heavy gusts of ‘wet enough out there for ya’ comments from any person you might run into after stepping into a building.”
During the mind-numbing onslaught of verbal horseshit, call centres, convenience stores and Tim Hortons are expecting slightly longer wait times as people making small talk about the who-gives-a-shit-weather are anticipated to feel like they really have something.
The RCMP is reminding motorists to drive slowly to avoid hydroplaning and not call or text friends and relatives to tell them how “crazy the roads are” while driving.
“Seriously, shut the hell up,” said Const. Raymond Leblanc of the Moncton RCMP. “No one should have to be telling you this.”
Municipalities and emergency officials have also been warning drivers to shut their stupid mouths and watch what they’re doing because of several road closures and washouts.