New Brunswick — Listen. I’m starting to get pretty damn sick of my treatment in this publication. It’s like every other article is “Oh, Brian is so attractive,” or “Oh, look at how much our premier likes to party.” I mean, don’t you guys ever get sick of it? You seem to be implying that all I am is just some fun-loving hottie coasting his way through politics on a winning smile, but I’m here to tell you that it takes far more than just good looks to be successful. It takes guts, tenacity and an exceptional strategy — all of which I will teach you here, today, in my new column, Brian Gallant’s Sure-Fire Dating Advice ™: 4 exclusive tips to hooking up with the girl of your dreams tonight.
1. Show Her a Good Time
Now, I understand that not everybody is in the same position that I’m in, and therefore does not have access to the taxpayer funds that I do. I’m a pretty down-to-earth guy. I had a pretty rough upbringing myself, and so I’m acutely aware of the plight of the little guy (you). I know that you probably can’t take your girl on helicopter rides, cross-country trips or bring them to the fanciest restaurants like I can (and frequently do, ladies), but the province has plenty to offer — even for a man on a budget.
There are a couple of romantic spots all over the province that won’t cost you a dime. Maybe take her to one of the many free art galleries in Fredericton, or how about a nice stroll on Ritchie Wharf? You could always go for some cheap ice cream and take a cute photo taken by the world’s largest lobster!
The point is that there is much to do in New Brunswick, even for the penniless romantic, if you’re willing to look for it. It’s important that you show these girls a good time. Oh, and if you’re ever on the south side, you ought to check out my personal favourite romantic hot-spot behind the Saint John sign.
2. Open Ears, and an Open Mind
I’ve always been a champion of the “give ‘em what they want” style of campaigning, both in politics and in the bedroom. Here’s something you might not know about women — particularly in the Fredericton South region: They looooove feeling like their opinions are valued. The best thing about it, too, is that their opinions are all pretty much the same. “Oh Brian,” they say, “You simply can’t allow hydraulic fracturing.” And I’ll be like, “Don’t worry, baby, I’ll take care of it.”
It’s all a part of a strategy that I like to call “Patronizing Empowerment.” At the heart of P.E. is the notion that you should let the woman feel like they’re in charge of the situation. For example, women relish being told that they can do whatever they want with their bodies. So much so, in fact, that they might even want to control their bodies all over your body … If y’knowwhatI’msayin’ … and I hope you do, because I think clear communication is absolutely vital to good politics.
3. Keeping a Balance
I’d like to get real here for a minute. One thing that women cannot stand is a man who can’t keep himself together. No amount of wining and dining or cheap tricks can make up for a man who doesn’t know how to pull up himself up by his bootstraps and get things done. I mean, look at me — I was born into a working-class Acadian-Dutch family, and worked hard and fought my way up the political ladder. Now I’m 33 years old and I’m the premier of New Brunswick! Women respect a man who can work hard, and knows what he wants.
But, on the other hand, no woman likes a stiff (tee-hee). A man needs to know how to work hard, but he also must know how to play hard. You’ve probably heard about my historic win in the Backstreet Boys contest at the Highfield Square Mall back in ’99. See, that just goes to show how I can cut loose a little bit and have a good time. The key for all you men out there is striking that perfect balance. Also, being able to speaking a little French is a plus, too.
Okay, guys — good luck/bonne chance!