Local Fredericton man plans romantic evening alone

Fredericton – John Stapleford, a Northside Fredericton resident with altogether too much time on his hands, left his job at a car dealership Friday with one plan in mind – to finally make himself a priority after wasting far too much of his precious leisure time with friends and family.

“I’ve been so sick of spending time with my girlfriend, making sure she’s loved and cared for all the time. What about me?” said the paunchy, balding Stapleford, while in line to buy a bottle of all-natural massage oil at Aura Whole Foods on Westmorland Street.

“She likes massages, but tonight it’s my turn,” he said. “And I already stopped at Superstore and got myself a pizza and a bottle of wine – the good kind – twelve bucks!” he added, sparing no extravagant detail.

“I’m going to watch The Bachelor, read a John Grisham novel, and we’ll see what happens with this,” he said, eyeing the massage oil suggestively, ignoring the disgusted look on the cashier’s face.

When our reporter asked Stapleford whether he plans to make a tradition out of this, he said simply “If tonight goes well and I really enjoy myself, I might just cut other people out of my life completely. I mean, I’d still have to go to work, but I could survive the grind knowing I can come home to myself at the end of a long week.”

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