Fredericton — The Fredericton SPCA is currently filled with cats, and is looking for ways to help ease the burden brought on by these troublesome tabbies. The local animal shelter has seen a major increase in the city’s feline population as of late and has exceeded its capacity to house and care for the animals. Amy Pluck, the shelter’s director, says she has seen a steady increase ever since Bob Barker left his hosting duties with The Price Is Right in 2007. Barker always ended every episode of the popular daytime game show with his patented phrase: “Please help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.”
“That Bob, he just had a way with words,” Pluck added. “He was so dashing, so charismatic and witty. No one cares what that Drew Carey fellow says. Maybe they did when he was chubby, but not anymore. Now nobody’s getting their pets spayed and neutered; they’re just letting those dogs and cats procreate like a bunch of animals!”
The story was first reported on the front page of Monday’s The Daily Gleaner in Fredericton, where the shelter was pleading for help from the surrounding communities. Ideally, Pluck would love to see all of the kitties find nice homes, but she realizes that this isn’t a realistic goal. “I know that people just don’t want cats anymore like they used to,” she expressed, her eyes filling with tears. “I love these cats like they were my own, and I just want the best for them. If they’re not able to find good homes, then we’re willing to try something different.” Pluck said the SPCA is thinking of adding the new position of “cat lady” to the staff of its local shelter.
Pluck has posted the position online, looking for someone with a unique skill-set and a history in dealing with many cats at one time. A description for the position reads as follows: “Looking to hire someone to care for a large number of cats. Must be a female between the ages of 30 and 65, be single and lonely, and must not mind the constant scent of cat urine, as well as unreturned affection. Must enjoy having all of your clothing covered in cat fur all of the time, should also have a few sweaters with a picture of a cat on them, and not be averse to being woken at 5 a.m. by the sound of hungry cats meowing hysterically. A suitable candidate would want to talk about nothing but cats at any chance they get, and would love taking dozens of pictures of cats to show their friends and family, and be able to post the pictures on social media websites such as Facebook. If interested, please drop your resumé off at the Fredericton SPCA with pictures taken of you and your cats doing something fun or silly like dressing up as a famous couple on Halloween.”
If you are interested in applying for the position of “cat lady,” or if you would like information on cat adoption, please contact your local SPCA.
Sexist. Single, lonely men are just as good at taking care of cats.