Fredericton — Super Bowl LI saw the largest come-from-behind victory in the game’s history as the New England Patriots overcame a 25-point deficit to defeat the Atlanta Falcons, winning the coveted Lombardi trophy for a second time in just three years.
The game, which is already being hailed by many as the greatest Super Bowl ever, saw golden-boy Tom Brady win a record fourth game MVP while throwing for a record 466 yards. The game also saw international pop star Lady Gaga perform an unbelievable set, which began with her literally jumping from the top of the stadium.
But despite the unparalleled comeback, the historic personal accomplishments, the dramatic overtime victory, the stellar halftime show and the highly anticipated commercials, one New Brunswick man just didn’t see what all the fuss was about.
“It was all pretty boring,” admitted Francis Shanks of Beaver Dam. “I never watch football, and frankly I think it’s stupid, but I didn’t enjoy this game at all. I don’t like music or concerts either, but I still found the whole Gaga thing to be stupid, too.”
Sheila Bailey hosted Super Bowl party in Marysville and invited a few of her friends over.
“I just opened it up to any friends who wanted to come watch the game,” Bailey recalled. “Frank was the first to RSVP, so I thought he must like football — well, I was wrong.”
Bailey said that not only did Shanks complain about how bored he was during the entire game, he also complained about the assortment of free food that Bailey so graciously provided.
“It’s like she doesn’t care that I care about my body,” explained Shanks. “Processed meats and cheeses, fatty dips, deep-friend foods — nothing humane and organic at all. I’m pretty surprised that she didn’t think to add anything I might like; she must have seen all my Facebook posts about how I only eat all-natural, certified-organic foods ever since two weeks ago — I really made a big deal about it.”
“I just don’t know what he expected,” countered Bailey. “He doesn’t like football, he doesn’t like music, he doesn’t like food with taste — why’d he even come?”
“Well, I like to be included in things,” answered a surprised Shanks when questioned by our reporter. “I enjoy getting to spend time with my friends and complaining about things; it’s kind of what I do. It really didn’t matter what type of party it was… I had already made up my mind that I wasn’t going to have a good time.”
When asked whether Bailey would be inviting Shanks to any of her future get-togethers, she conceded that she probably would just because she’d “feel pretty rude about not inviting him.” And she admitted that she was already planning a small party to celebrate the Oscars later this month.
“Yuck, the Oscars?” asked Shanks. “I can’t stand that Jimmy Kimmel, I hate movies and I think the entire celebration is just an ego-boosting, self-satisfying sham designed to patronize and exploit those who blindly love the evil film industry — I can’t wait, and I’ll be sure to bring my own snacks this time.”