Moncton schoolgirl ruins chances of ever finding a husband by showing ankle

Monk Towne — In a positively uncouth affront to common decency, Lyla Williams, 17, hiked her dress up past her ankle Monday to the horror of every nearby gentleman at Harrison Trimble Boarding School. Williams, who is already well into marriage and child-bearing age but has yet to find a suitor, was promptly reprimanded by Headmaster Stoken and sent to the Shame Larder for an entire day.

“This is humiliating, and perpetuates inequality and unfair standards –” began Williams to The Manatee‘s reporter before being interrupted by Headmaster Stoken.

“We simply can’t have indecency or tomfoolery of this sort. It upsets the very delicate balance of society. Why, next thing you know, women will be granted the right to vote!” harrumphed  Stoken, before ushering Williams back to the Shame Larder.

But it was from that very Shame Larder that Williams began writing a diary of sorts, chronicling her ideas for more just regulations of school attire. Williams proposes that as long as one does not come to class in nothing but their petticoats, one should be allowed to dress as they please. If one finds certain attire offensive or — heaven forbid — arousing, the aroused one should be sent to the Shame Larder rather than the liberally dressed one. Williams points out that gentlemen with union suits poking above their low-hanging breeches are not dealt any punishments, but ladies with bodices creeping above their frock are ostracized.

Many residents of Monk Towne are now in an uproar, debating topics that are best left uncontemplated. “The right to show ankle? Preposterous. I dare not even look at ankles in my bedroom — it upsets my stomach so,” sneered Lord Irving II, polishing his monocle. “Young Lady Williams was considered eligible until now. She will never be acknowledged by one of my sons at the Yule Ball now.”

“I would dearly love to be able to dress lighter. I spend all day churning butter and I do work up quite a sweat,” confessed local butter-churner Pricilla Merrithew. “And with the children running around while my dear husband smokes his tabac, we build up quite the inferno at home.”

The local seamstress shop has already been seen to be lowering necklines on dresses a smidgen; it remains to be seen whether this is a short and swift fashion trend or an era-changing debacle.

  1. People are going to do what they want to do and I have good friends of very different beliefs and lifestyles but for me personally, I will always prefer the older fashion mannerisms where it was one man with one woman. Gentlemen taking time to hold open doors for their brides, etc. I feel that women that take the time to dress up in a nice covered dress look so classy so I’m glad to be married with my classy bride for 17 years now and counting. I figure if it’s not for sale, don’t advertise it. I’ve also never noticed any botanical garden workers running around with paint cans painting the beautiful flowers either. Happy people with natural & genuine smiles look beautiful!

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  2. As an ex-resident of Monk Towne and ex-student of the academy, I find this fucking hilarious. Full support to Lyla Williams, down with Harrison Trimble Boarding School!

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  3. Here I sit at my computer in beautiful downtown (well almost downtown) Suva, Fiji and I am able to enjoy the hilarious comments in The Manatee, (Saving The Endangered Truth). Great work people – keep it up, you are being enjoyed the world over.
    Ken Clark (former Saint Johner, or maybe once a Herring Choker, always a Herring Choker)

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