New Brunswick — As reported yesterday, Sears has announced plans to close dozens of stores across the country, including two full-service stores in New Brunswick, which employ roughly 140 people. And now, as a result of this shocking announcement, your grandmother — and thousands of others in the province — are super pissed off.
“Where I am supposed to get my tan-coloured pant suits now?!” yelled my own grandmother, Harriot Lewis. “Sears is the only place with the right colour tan, you know? And what about my brassieres and my underpants? You can’t get underpants that big anywhere else — all the other stores just sell them for hookers and whores.”
My grandmother continued to yell at me about the announced closures for several minutes while crocheting a new dishcloth to go with her collection, which currently boasts more than 200.
“This is the worst thing that’s happened in my life,” said the 92-year-old who has lived through world wars and watched her three husbands die. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself if I can’t go to Sears once every eight months like I always do.”
Sears announced the closures amidst growing concerns of bankruptcy for the one-time retail giant. Sarah Goshly, CEO of Sears Canada, spoke of the struggles with The Manatee.
“We’re trying to figure out why we haven’t been able to compete for the past few years,” she admitted. “Maybe it’s the fact that when you walk into one of our stores your eyes immediately start burning from the fumes of colognes and perfumes? Maybe it’s that you can’t take a single step into any of our stores without bumping into one our displays or an elderly person? Could it be our giant overhead on items you can get cheaper at Walmart? Who knows, really.”
Our reporter asked Goshly if the company has seen much success in its online sales.
“We’ve really struggled online as well,” she continued. “We recently conducted a survey about our website to find out what users don’t like about it. Most comments read something like ‘What is the internet?’ or ‘Can I have extra puppies printed on my sweater?’ and ‘I’m not giving you my bank information on here.’ So, it’s been really difficult nailing down the primary concerns.”
The Manatee found that it’s not only grandmothers who are upset about this closure, but also New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant.
“This is a sad day for New Brunswick and for Canada,” expressed Gallant. “Sears has been an iconic retailer in Bathurst and Saint John for decades and has been a pillar of these communities, offering great value, great service and outstanding quality in every square inch of their buildings. They will be sorely missed by thousands of patrons, including me. Well, I mean that figuratively — obviously I would never shop there — but they did always have the closest parking spaces to a door, so I’ll miss that for sure.
“And my grandma will not shut up about it.”