NB government to hold Black Friday blowout sale

Black Friday is upon us, and the New Brunswick government is getting in on the festivities by attempting to sell off its struggling assets. The Manatee reported earlier in the week that the Gallant government was in the early stages of a sale of the Saint John River, and now they’re tying to exploit the consumer craziness that comes with the unofficial American holiday known as Black Friday.

A member of the Liberal caucus spoke with The Manatee on the condition of anonymity. “Premier Gallant is trying to find innovative ways to reduce our debt, so one of our staff members jokingly said we should have a Black Friday sale like everyone else, and Brian ran with it. He immediately started getting things going — having people make up flyers, banners and balloons, the whole works. He really wanted to build up a feverish excitement for people.” The flyer, pictured below, was handed out to the general public, and was also faxed and emailed to neighbouring provinces and states.

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Premier Gallant spoke with The Manatee, but chose not to comment on why he was selling these assets at such low rates. Instead, he insisted that these are all great opportunities for prospective buyers. “These are fantastic communities, and with the right leadership in place, they will have the opportunity to flourish.”

When asked why he didn’t deem himself the appropriate leader for these communities, the new premier backtracked slightly and clarified his earlier statement. “Well, what I mean is…” he said while nervously tugging on his crimson-coloured necktie, “I can’t give all of these communities the special attention that they all need individually. I can run these places no problem — they’re all doing just fine as they are — but I think I’m doing the great people of New Brunswick a disservice if I’m not giving them every chance to be the best at what they do.”

“We’re not just going to sell these places to whomever tries to buy them,” added Gallant. “We’re going to first ensure that they’re the appropriate fit,” he stuttered. “Like, if we have some lumberjack who wants to buy Juniper — that’s a good fit. They have a struggling lumber yard there, and I wouldn’t have the first clue what to do with a lumber yard, but this guy might. You know what I mean?”

The Manatee will update any potential sales figures as they become available to the press.

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