Sackville — In the immortal words of singer-songwriter Elton John: Don’t let the sun, go down on… New Brunswick?!
A small group of concerned citizens in Sackville are inviting people from across the province to save both money and the environment through a bulk purchase of solar panels. This environmental call to action does not benefit everyone, however, and Gaëtan Thomas, president and CEO of NB Power, wants to make it abundantly clear that he is not happy about it.
“This is the kind of thing that just pisses me off, you know?” said Thomas. “I mean, you work your fingers to the bone trying to make to keep this company afloat, and then some doped-up commies try and ruin you with their hair-brained hippie mysticism.”
Thomas decided that he would attempt to preempt the group’s invasive actions — with the consent and support of NB Power’s shareholders — by purchasing the sun and then monetizing all outside use of the star’s generated energy.
“Twenty-eight years ago, I bought a star for my then-girlfriend through this mail-in service I found in an issue of Popular Science magazine,” he explained. “I assume that this will be more or less the same process.”
After Googling how to purchase stars, Thomas learned that there were several hundred companies that sold stars over the Internet. And so, he said, began his search for the most legitimate star realtor in the business. After 4 days of searching, his research team came across a website that billed itself as as “The World’s Only Tru Star Servise[sic].” He allowed our Manatee reporter to be present as he called the company’s toll-free number.
After 3 rings a small, bored-sounding voice answered on the other end: “Hello?” Thomas bit his bottom lip excitedly, and gave those present a thumbs-up. “Yeah, hi,” he said, “I was wondering what you would charge for the sun, for both its property and resources, all rights reserved?”
There was a silence at the end for a brief moment. “Um… 5… uh… thousand… dollars. I guess,” the sales agent said finally. “Is that it?” asked Thomas. “Yeah. Sure,” the man responded.
“Then we’ll take it!” cried Thomas, prompting the entire NB Power head office to cheer in jubilation. “That ought to show those solar power assholes,” he said proudly.