New Brunswick high schools add ‘smoking in the parking lot’ to list of extracurriculars

New Brunswick high schools add ‘smoking in the parking lot’ to list of extracurriculars

Fredericton — In an effort to give New Brunswick students a much-needed edge when applying to universities across Atlantic Canada and beyond, high schools in the province are adding a few easily attainable extracurricular and volunteer activities to the existing list.

Now, lazier students who would previously have had a snowball’s chance in hell at being accepted to their school of choice will be given the same opportunity as their more ambitious peers.

“Some students just aren’t academically inclined, and we’ve always encouraged those kids to bolster their college application with extracurriculars or volunteer work,” said Leo Hayes High School principal Reggie McDougall. “But unfortunately, most New Brunswick kids are also not… other-activity-inclined either. This new system will help them get ahead with minimal effort or talent.

“No student should be left behind just because they have bad grades, suck at sports and don’t like helping people in their community.”

Grade 12 student Brent Hovey proposed the idea to school administration when he realized he would soon be facing rejections from UNB and possibly even STU.

“I don’t really have the build for football, and I don’t like working with kids or old people. I’ve also been failing math. So I thought, what am I good at?” explained Hovey. “That’s when it hit me — smoking! It’s something I’m passionate about, and I look pretty damn cool when I’m lighting up in the parking lot at lunchtime. Why shouldn’t I get a little credit for that?”

Some other activities that will now count toward extra credit include:

  • Attending at least one school play or sporting event per academic year
  • Attending a dance sober
  • Buying a school sweater
  • Forging no more than one sick note per year
  • Tattling on others for vandalism
  • Refraining from rating teachers on ratemyteachers.com
  • Not befriending the kid with crutches just so you can use the elevator (specific to Leo Hayes students)
  • Not dropping glass bottles from the balcony into the cafetorium (ditto)
  • Waiting in line to leave the school even if you have a jacked-up truck (ditto)
  • Not driving your ’90s Civic with the seat reclined the entire way

McDougall is optimistic about the new initiative’s potential. “We’re confident that this will drastically increase the rate of New Brunswick high school grads entering post-secondary education,” he said. “And the students won’t have to change a thing about themselves! Well, until they enter university.”

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