New Brunswick — Earlier this summer, it was reported that New Brunswick is Canada’s fastest-shrinking province in terms of population, and now, after completing further research, scientists have determined that it is the country’s fastest-shrinking province in terms of size as well.
“I was looking into some provincial statistics this past March, and I noticed was that 25 years ago the average weight of a New Brunswick male was somewhere around 200 pounds, but now it is down to about 150,” said Dr. Frederick Wells, who assured us he was some kind of scientist. “But clearly, the people are not getting any thinner. I decided that something must be up.”
Wells explained that after looking into it, he and his team discovered that because of the province’s constant exposure to salt water and air, the land and its residents began to shrink through a process called plasmolysis.
“Yeah man, it’s just plasmolysis,” Wells said, scratching his nose. “No need to explain it any more than that.”
Some will remember that during his campaign last fall, Premier Brian Gallant promised to make the stabilization of the province’s growth a key priority. And now, almost a year later, Gallant is proud to say that he has since followed through with this commitment — but at a great personal cost.
The premier has decided to get to the root of what is making the province shrink at such an exponential rate, and try to divert the problem from the landmass onto his own person by swimming in the bay thrice daily. So far, this strategy has worked exceedingly well, causing the province to remain at a relatively consistent size for the past 3 months. The catch, however, is that over this period of time Gallant has lost nearly 3 feet in height, and 98 pounds in weight.
Gallant invited Manatee reporters into his office this morning to record his public statement on the matter. He beckoned them to sit as he climbed onto the chair behind his adorably oversized desk. He balanced a well-sharpened pencil between his fingers as he explained why this cause is so important to him.
“Every great leader has to make big sacrifices,” he said, sounding like he had sucked back a litre of helium. “Keeping this province on track is no small task. I hope that New Brunswickers understand the weight of this issue… We need to inch our way forward… I’m only standing on the shoulders of giants…”
The premier shuffled through his cue cards, then looked up at the reporters. “Are these doing anything for you guys? I’ve got a ton of ’em.”