New Brunswick legalizes gay fracking

Fredericton — The Picture Province has been issuing marriage licences for same-sex couples since 2005. Hydraulic fracturing, or fracking, is a highly contentious practice, though it’s also been legal for quite some time.

This morning, at a press conference at the Legislature in Fredericton, Premier Brian Gallant made the literally groundbreaking announcement that not only can gay people openly love each other, and not only can big-oil companies exploit our natural resources at their leisure — but the two can now happen simultaneously.

“The idea actually came to me in a dream,” said the proud premier. “In the dream, I was being picketed and called out in the media for some new controversy — gay fracking. When I woke up, it all became clear to me: straight people have been fracking in this province for decades, and the gay population is deserving of those same fracking rights. They love oil just as much as heterosexual people do. They love money and power as much as well, I believe. Why shouldn’t they be able to frack to their hearts’ content?”

The premier admitted that he partially just wants to make sure the province is seen as progressive, for once, and not as the slowest to respond to changing cultural trends. “Nova Scotia beat us to the punch when it came to legalizing gay marriage, unfortunately. And Alberta is the fracking champion. And we’re still dead last in abortion rights. I couldn’t come up with anything we could win at, so I thought to myself, ‘Brian, what we need is to combine two issues that have raised controversy and we’ll have a super, extreme, mega-issue that New Brunswick can take the lead in.’ And gay fracking is that issue.”

The lawn in front of the Legislature was littered with protesters and activists of every description: there were anti-gay-marriage protesters holding up signs in desperate need of proofreading; there were hordes of New Brunswickers opposed to any kind of fracking — gay fracking included; the pro-gay fracking population showed up to cheer and celebrate; and of course there were the usual squealing groupies who are in attendance at all of Brian Gallant’s public events.

Gallant remained oddly quiet about the fracking moratorium his Liberal government laid out last fall, even when directly questioned by reporters. “Look, as the Liberal leader, I’m aiming to promote equal rights for all New Brunswickers, even those who choose to put our safety and drinking water and all that at risk by hydraulic fracturing. This is good for the economy, it’s a smart political move, and hey, I’m just trying to follow my dreams.”