New Brunswick population doubles after camo wearers counted

New Brunswick — Calling it a “gross oversight,” Statistics Canada’s Population and Demography division apologized this morning for erroneously overlooking nearly half of New Brunswick’s population.

“Our most recent census and demographic estimates for the small Atlantic province were way, way off,” admitted Ontario-based statistician Daniel Jefferies. “As of July 2014, we counted the population as 753,914. It recently came to light, though, that once all the people who wear camouflage on a day-to-day basis are included, the true population rests closer to 1,500,000.”

Jefferies himself made the shocking discovery while visiting family in New Brunswick last weekend. He was introduced to several nieces and nephews he’d never seen before, because they’d always been dressed in camo.

The embarrassed statistician explained to a camo-clad Manatee reporter that, elsewhere in the country, people simply don’t wear camo except when hunting or in the military, so it was natural that the thousands of New Brunswickers who dress this way on the regular were missed in the last count.

“We just didn’t see them. And we also didn’t realize that people in New Brunswick wear camo to work, they wear it when they’re out socializing, they wear it to bed — even at weddings, for god’s sake!” exclaimed Jefferies. “They have camo sweaters, camo pants, camo shoes, tank tops, underwear, hats, keychains, purses, bibs… did the rest of the country miss the memo?”

According to Jefferies, StatsCan had previously assumed that the seemingly low population was due to a low birth rate, or that New Brunswickers were moving out West in droves; really, though, these people were trying to blend in with the backdrop of their home province.

“It’s hard to say why, exactly. Maybe they thought they wouldn’t have to pay taxes if they were hiding in plain sight? Or — and this is a much scarier thought — maybe they thought they were actually dressing in style? Who knows.”