New Brunswick RCMP to implement mandatory roadside semen samples under new marijuana legislation

New Brunswick RCMP to implement mandatory roadside semen samples under new marijuana legislation

Fredericton — In preparation for the Trudeau government’s proposed legalization of marijuana, New Brunswick’s top RCMP officer, Assistant Commissioner Larry Tremblay, confirmed this week that his force has plans to collect mandatory roadside semen samples as a method of catching impaired drivers.

“With alcohol we have the breathalyzer test, it’s accurate and reliable,” said Tremblay, “for marijuana the breathalyzer technology simply doesn’t work, so we’ve been investigating alternatives.”

One of those alternatives, semen samples, is supported by results from researchers at the University of New Brunswick. In a report of preliminary findings, Dr. Jose Canterbury wrote: “Because the body produces semen on demand, THC (the active ingredient in marijuana) measurements from on-the-spot samples of drivers’ semen are more reliable than any other method of testing.”

Addressing concerns about invasion of privacy and sexism, Tremblay affirmed, “We’re just following the science on this one, nothing political here; men commit 89 percent of impaired driving offences, and if this is the best technique with the most accurate readings, then we’re going to give it a try.”

Recognizing that this could be uncomfortable for people, Tremblay agreed that such a measure could “…ruin a first date, create painful embarrassment for someone driving with their parents, make things difficult at work for colleagues who carpool, or introduce an unexpected element to a weekend hunting trip. But to me, these all serve as potent deterrents for anyone thinking of driving while high.”

Tremblay did note that his officers were still developing plans for implementation, including a procedural handbook outlining the logistics of obtaining a roadside sample, what assistance may be provided to nervous motorists (including both generic Viagra and a government-approved pornographic pamphlet), and guidelines prohibiting the enforcement measure within 500 metres of a school or playground.

“Bottom line is,” Tremblay finished, “if we have reasonable suspicion, then we’ll be ordering a sample on the spot. Our members will be trained to assist if necessary, and are happy to do so in both official languages.”

  1. Obviously the truth has finally cum out.
    With every other 4000 lb crushing machine on the road piloted by someone caught in an obsesive and suicidal mindset, brought on by a world were the truth is lies and those that are supposed to protect us, instead are our oppressors making rules, and allowing things to happen on our behalf, that are to our obvious detrement, and when these people go for help dealing with the top end corruption and certain demise of the jobs of the common man, they are given an anti-depressant, which make you pick a thought and focus on it, like suicide, which is likely why they went in the first place, but now behind the wheel.
    It ain’t about the pot is it.
    I wonder if there is such a thing as police issue straws.

    Reply
  2. This opens up way too many opportunities for cops to commit sex crimes and get away with it. This is not a road you guys want to go down. Not only that, but it’s abusive as well as cruel and unusual by nature and is clearly meant to terrorize and target disabled groups. I am all for keeping someone stoned out from behind the wheel, but this is simply unacceptable.

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  3. Thomas Fletcher April 20, 2017, 5:52 pm

    BAHAHAHAHA. Police will be trained to assist lol and glad to help. I can’t stop laughing. OMG this made my day. Seriously I haven’t stopped laughing at this point.

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  4. ARE YOU RETARDED, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER WAY FOR COPS TO INVADE. IF YOU ARE STOPED AND THEY THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DOING WEED, AND NOTHING SHOWES UP WOULD YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO PUNCH THE COP IN THE FACE OR TAKE THEM FOR ALL THEY GOT IN CORT. THINK ON WHAT YOU ARE SAYING HERE . MAN COPS ARE DEMENTED NOWDAYS

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    • The Manatee is a satirical website.

      Reply
      • Sheesh, thank you. Goodness people. The web has no filter on truth or gossip or just outright fake information.

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        • Their basically pointing out how ridiculous things have become for law abiding citizens , who are protected by the 4th Amendment and The supreme courts ruling of the right to travel freely and is protected, not only in his person, but in his SAFE conduct. In fact, if read carefully, it says one can do so without license.

          Thompson v.Smith, 154 SE 579, 11 American Jurisprudence, Constitutional Law, section 329, page 1135

          Know your rights! And know fake news!

          Reply
  5. …cops could suck it out of motorists…

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  6. I don’t think that is right it’s stupidity no one should do it and they said on the spot so what they stand there beside the or girl they are being perverts in my books that is sick

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  7. Will the cops be giving hand jobs to collect semen or will it be an oral thing?

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  8. They suck at everything else

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  9. Easy way to collect male DNA to keep on file. Hello privacy rights and freedoms! Sounds like fake news to me. This hasn’t been covered by any other source.

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  10. Sounds like Tremblay is a pervert !

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  11. Please tell me this is another one of those fake news articles

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  12. Have any of you ever took to time to read the disclaimer? If not… here you go.
    You’re welcome.

    All content (including without limitation likenesses, quotes, figures, facts, etc., collectively, “Content”) hosted on The Manatee websites and associated social media accounts (“The Manatee Sources”) is fictitious and satirical and should not be taken seriously.

    Reply
  13. Wtf next wat about women seems like it’s only men that needs to jerk it just saying how fucking ridicliness they jus Wana c men jerk off fucking ********

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  14. Collect semen samples on the spot?!? Are you fkn kidding me? Who the hell thought of this brainiac corrupt immoral idea? Got to be fake…
    o.O

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  15. Disclaimer:
    All content (including without limitation likenesses, quotes, figures, facts, etc., collectively, “Content”) hosted on The Manatee websites and associated social media accounts (“The Manatee Sources”) is fictitious and satirical and should not be taken seriously. The Manatee Sources and Content are provided as is. By accessing any of The Manatee Sources you acknowledge and agree that such access, any use of Content, and/or linking to other websites or accounts from The Manatee Sources are entirely at your own risk.

    Dumbasses….

    Reply
  16. Keep scrolling. Disclaimer all articles fiction on themanatee

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  17. OMG people, this is a satire news website. It makes stuff up for humour. Relax, you won’t be jerked off roadside, unless of course you are into that.

    Reply
    • Roflmao – Do people not get this is satire 🙂
      Ok, Satire – literally means the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
      I’d say in this case they got two birds with one stone(d) ! Haaa 😉 Couldn’t resist 😀

      Reply
  18. So what about the female drivers?

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  19. Oh heck yeah, bud.
    I’m packing up and heading to New Brunswick.

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  20. All of the serious replies to this kill me! Hahah you guys are morons.

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  21. So what would be the biggest offence, driving high or jerking off on the side of the road? And what do you do wif it’s a female?

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  22. They better hope the females are squirters! 😀

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  23. Fuck off!!!!! Says it all! I never thought I would say this but no other response would be appropriate!

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  24. So I was telling my 17 year old son that the RCMP would be collecting mandatory semen samples if you were suspected of driving while high when the new legal marijuana starts and he says “so they are gonna make you jerk off on the side of the road?” And I say “I guess so” figuring he is disgusted that they would do that and then he says “doesn’t seem like much of a punishment?!” Bahahahaha!!! Best laugh ever!!

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  25. William Giiers April 22, 2017, 9:13 am

    So, if this is a satire site, then, the disclaimer must also be satire . Therefore, it MUST be true.

    Reply
  26. They are calling the procedure – Sample Production Engaging Roadside Masturbation……. Or SPERM for short.

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  27. LOL This is a joke….you guys dont really believe this right? LMAO!!!

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  28. colleen oreilly April 23, 2017, 4:03 pm

    This will have to be fixed this law is flawed weed stays in the system for a month….so you could of smoked that joint a week ago that they are going to charge you for!

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  29. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any more outrageous, the report has now come in that if any male driver fails to produce the requested sample (claiming for example a condition of aged infirmity or embarrassment) the new law will include an automatic conviction for “refusing to provide a sperm sample”, in keeping with the similar law on the books for breathalyzers. When asked about a possible violation of charter rights, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau first pointed out that this particular initiative is in fact a local provincial concern, but did note that “a stoned penis is a stoned penis is a stoned penis”.

    Reply
  30. this is illegal, urine samples do not tell if you are high or not so refuse, go to prison if you have to, this is beyond unconstitutional. Urine sample can tell if there is weed in you system within a 2 week implements. Just becuase you are high, the amount of the in you bring is always up for debate.

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  31. RobertChristian April 25, 2017, 1:28 pm

    Damn it, people, if it seems too crazy to believe…check a site’s “About” page.

    “Disclaimer: The Manatee is a satirical news site…”

    Reply
  32. Just read a copy of the manual. It allows for a ten minute masturbation period after which if a semen sample has not been delivered, it gives the power to both the male and female officers to participate in anal sex with the offender and pipette the semen from their colon canal.

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  33. Canada another country where women are not allowed to drive, like Saudi Arabia?

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  34. I sincerely hope that all the comments placed here in protest are just “The Manatee” writers screwing with us! lol

    Reply
  35. In a sane world I would have clocked this as a joke. It is sad that I thought it was possible not funny.

    Reply

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