New ‘No head up own ass’ policy at Dept of Social Development

New ‘No head up own ass’ policy at Dept of Social Development

Fredericton — On the heels of a discouraging news report, government is moving quickly to implement a new hiring and human resources policy at the Department of Social Development.

On Monday, CBC released a report detailing a case of botched adoption where a child’s foster parents were told that they were too white, old and fat to adopt a child. The case is especially remarkable since the prospective parents have been the child’s only caregivers since he was an infant.

Now, The Manatee has learned that by directive of the premier, human resources consultants are being sent urgently to the Department of Social Development to assess current practices and staff. Based on the revelations from the investigative report, it’s feared some of the staff in the department may be suffering from severe rectal cranial inversion.

“The need for urgency here is very real,” said consultant Sarah LeCul. “Considering these folks are charged with health and welfare of at-risk children, we need to make sure the right decisions are being made. Besides being a serious medical condition, rectal cranial inversion can lead to narcissism, poor judgment, depression and a generally shitty outlook on life.”

If you believe that you are suffering from rectal cranial inversion, seek immediate medical attention.

When asked about common causes of the malady, LeCul elaborated on some possibilities. “It could be that this small group of people were trying to give themselves a colonoscopy and just got stuck, or fell in love with the smell of their own farts… any number of things really.”

LeCul concluded, “While we are doing our assessment, we are asking people to be aware of the warning signs. If you haven’t seen daylight in several days or weeks, it’s not because you are in the Arctic circle. If you’re feeling claustrophobic, significant posterior discomfort or you possess particularly self-righteous opinions regarding the race, age and weight of others, you are at significant risk.

“If you have these warning signs, please seek immediate medical attention, and do not under any circumstances worsen your condition by also putting your foot in your mouth.”

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