Obama declares New Brunswick a security threat

Washington — American President Barack Obama today signed a declaration naming Canada’s province of New Brunswick a national security threat. The order places sanctions on elected members of the legislative assembly and high-ranking government officials, but so far excludes general economic sanctions.

In the daily White House briefing, the president told The Manatee‘s reporter — who was trying his hardest not to look or sound like a New Brunswicker — that “terrorism is a serious threat to America, and to Canada, and the New Brunswick-Maine border is too easy for terrorists to cross. Look,” he said haltingly, “we have monitoring equipment covering every inch of the border, and there are just too many unplanned crossings. Until New Brunswickers learn to back off, we have to implement these sanctions.”

securitythreatSanctions prevent New Brunswickers from coming to America to: buy eggs; buy gas; shop at Marden’s; buy cheap alcohol; buy cigarettes; visit Stephen King’s haunted mansion; or attend Red Sox games.

Premier Brian Gallant was incensed at the decision. “The province has a row of 24 season tickets at Fenway!” he cried. “If we can’t attend the games, we’ll have to look at using Larry’s Gulch more often for caucus meetings. This will hit New Brunswickers in their pockets.”

Agriculture, Aquaculture and Fisheries Minister Rick Doucet expressed his displeasure as well. “I’m disappointed in the decision. If I can’t go to America to buy basic groceries and gasoline, what’s the point of going?”

The MLAs interviewed were hurt most by the Stephen King mansion ban. “Our family vacation was planned around this tour,” said Tourism, Heritage and Culture Minister Bill Fraser. “What are we going to do now, rent a cabin in Caraquet?”

When asked to provide some piece of evidence that New Brunswickers are somehow a threat to America, President Obama produced a grainy image of what could be construed as a terrorist crossing the border at night. “Now this is scary shit!” he exclaimed. “Can you imagine if this perpetrator ever made it to Washington? The destruction he would create is unimaginable — and unacceptable.”

  1. I remember being in a car when I was 16 and my Dad was driving the car and following a lumber truck on a muddy, gravelly road up a hill from Maine into New Brunswick. We were terrified those huge logs which weren’t very well secured were going to fall off the truck and kill us. Other people who have travelled from Maine to New Brunswick even recently, tell the same story. It’s worth your life taking that border road.

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  2. What a crock of shit.

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  3. The Republicans are using terrorism to develop security networks to protect their financial interests at the cost of removing Liberties! There is no doubt that terrorism exists and there is no doubt it exists because of the great imbalance the Republicans continue to try and maintain! You want proof just look at how many rich people live inside american controlled borders around the world but have their manufacturing set up in third world countries and pay little if any taxes in America! When did capitalism become the enemy of the world , when all of us let the rich run the planet the way they want! Wake up people the societies we live in are changing! People around the world want what we have however the world can not support the “100 year ” party much longer!. Global warming , water shortages and expensive food coming soon to a person near you!

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  4. Why is the woman in the pic with her hands up standing in front of a Marden’s? That’s a US store – none in NB that I am aware of …… do they even know where New Brunswick is ???

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  5. “No personal attacks.” The only person the can make personal attacks is Obama….

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  6. Gosh, it never ceases to amaze me how few people know what satire is. lol

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  7. is this a joke?

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  8. Highly doubt it laf

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  10. This is right down silly n very on called for ID say I’m New Brunswicker and I can’t believe that this is happening omg like what is up with this we have never done anything to the U.S. And now this wow hold childish is this, I do not believe anything the pres said about us and or borders we cross with passports and we are always checked going too and coming back like this is real said that it has come to this

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  11. I just want to know if they are hiring snipers for the pigeons crossing to Canada. I mean they could be carrying the bird flu. Just think of the job opportunities? And they could help monitor for terrorists also. That might boost moral on the US side. Oh, and what about the Canada Geese coming back from the south? Oh dear! LOL

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  12. well my suggesting is that the U.S should not let terrorist enter Canada at any means nessecery cause new Brunswick never had any people from any foreign countries until a couple of years ago so I would say to the U.S and Canadian government to stop letting immagrints enter our country for good for any cause for the safety of our own people…

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  13. this is dam right bs in my books this is going to hurt alot of people before you blame nb you should look in your own backyard first

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  14. You’d have to be a moron to beleive such trash….and spreading rumors like this is not funny at all. There are pratically no immigrants in New Brunswick but a lot in Maine. Just look at some Universities in Maine only, they come from everywhere around the world. Should we be worried being so close to the border? If NB is a security threat for the US, this is so much worst !!!!!!

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  15. @ least we wont have to pay to cross the river…hahaha!!!…And by the way, I’m from NB..

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  16. Don’t believe this bullshit

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  17. Is it April Fool yet?

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  18. Peter Cullen (Ireland) March 18, 2016, 2:28 pm

    If that right wing extremist Trump is ever elected to the Presidency of the USA, I’d suggest that Canada build the wall to stem the flow of Americans trying to get refuge in Canada.
    Surely Americans have more sense that elect that idiot.

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  19. The story is fake

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