Ottawa — Last week, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said he’d be fine with the country’s biggest Christmas parade featuring no Santas from east of Quebec, and there was barely a peep out of the Atlantic Canadian Santas’ Guild.
For decades, Atlantic Canada was guaranteed at least one seat on the big Santa Claus float in Ottawa each November, but that privilege has now been stripped away. The Santas’ Guild, which for some reason is made up of mainly Maritime-based politicians, was not even officially informed of the decision until this week.
Newfoundland and Labrador Premier Dwight Ball, president of the Guild, said only that he’s “a bit disappointed.” Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil said he didn’t think he “had much of a chance of being chosen as Atlantic Canada’s Santa this year anyway, so screw Trudeau.” Prince Edward Island Premier Wade MacLauchlan claimed that “the Island has always held better Santa Claus parades than Ottawa — and those Ottawa Santa suits are butt-ugly.”
New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant had the most to say about the exclusion, as he was in line to be this year’s Santa from Atlantic Canada. “The parade isn’t until November, so I still have time to change Trudeau’s mind,” said Gallant. “I’ll gain some weight, grow a beard, dye my hair white. And look, I know Justin, and he wouldn’t just snub me like this. Why would he? We’re both Liberals, we’re both jolly, saint-like and beloved by children.
“I must have somehow slipped his mind or something, but he’ll come to his senses I’m sure.”
Parade commentators from all over the country have speculated that if former prime minister Stephen Harper had pulled the same move, the reaction from the Santas’ Guild would have been far more severe.
“The Atlantic Canadian Santas would have totally lost their shit if Harper tried to steal their one measly seat on that float,” said parade announcer and political scientist Bob Hartman of Ottawa. “But because it’s dreamy, perfect Trudeau, they’re pretending the don’t even care, or that it’s some small oversight that will be corrected shortly. We’ll see, come Christmastime.”