Rothesay — After scoring a hat trick for the opposing team in last night’s U8 boys soccer game, Rothesay parents Stacey and Richard Cormier have accepted that their son, Jackson, will not be the star athlete for which they secretly hoped.
“He was out there on the field going through the motions, only paying half attention,” confessed his father glumly. “He was singing some crap YouTube song to himself, and soon as the ball came to him, he just panicked and dumped it in the closest net — ours. Three times. Three.”
“The first time it happened the parents all kind of looked at each other and smirked,” laughed his mother. “You know kids…out in left field sometimes! Then it happened again. By the third time, things were getting pretty cringey. None of the other parents would make eye contact.”
“After the last goal, it didn’t get any better. Jackson kept kicking at the ball and missing,” recounted his dad. “After the other team stole the ball again, one of the really competitive fathers moaned ‘Aw come on!’ before he caught himself and bit his lip.
“By the time Jackson picked up the ball and started chasing the other kids around giggling, we knew our days on the pitch were numbered.”
“It’s not so bad,” said volunteer coach Mike Ballon. “There’s less stigma than ever about being non-athletic. He’s always welcome here, but I’m sure he’ll find his niche with the computer and video game kids or drama kids or something.”
As the game ended and the other team celebrated a victory that was so decisive that they’d stopped counting points, the Cormiers collected Jackson — who was spread-eagle face-down in the grass doing God knows what — and quietly left the field.
“On the bright side,” smiled his mom, “our Monday nights this summer just freed up!”
The parents should do the right thing and take him out of soccer immediately. Get him in the weight room and by next year, he should be able to be the playground bully. Free lunches and money from the other kids, an honest way to get by here in NB.