Perth-Andover under evacuation, residents thrilled

Perth-Andover — The village of Perth-Andover is under evacuation due to major ice blockages which have created an imminent threat of flooding — and residents couldn’t be happier. “Finally, an excuse to get outta here,” cheered Paul Trembley. “I’ve been dreaming of going to Woodstock, Fredericton or even Maine all winter long, but just kept putting it off. Now that I’m being forced into it, it’s like a gift from God.”

River levels along the village have risen dramatically over the past 3 days and have forced Mayor Terry Ritchie to make some tough decisions. “I just don’t know what the right thing to do is,” he contemplated aloud to our reporter. “I could use my Holiday Inn points and get a suite for the wife and I in Edmundston, or I could splurge and rent a cabin at this quaint little place in Millville, which would be a little more romantic.”

The mayor didn’t know when the evacuation order would be lifted, but insisted residents make the most of the time away from their homes. “No one should really worry about the flood,” he said confidently. “We could probably use a little bath for the village anyway. I’ve been telling everyone to get out and see the world, enjoy this time away before we have to return to our jobs and regular lives.”

Brenda Ingraham was one of the few residents who decided to ignore the evacuation order and take her chances with the rising waters. “I’ve got some rubber boots, some waders, a canoe and a whole cupboard full of Mr. Noodles — I’ll be just fine,” she said rather smugly. “The thing I hate most about this place anyway is the people, so I’m looking forward to the time alone.”

Schools have been shut down, businesses have been closed and Red Cross has sent relief workers to the area for those in need of shelter. “We showed up on Saturday night expecting the worst,” said aid worker Janice Norris. “Surprisingly though, everyone was super upbeat. Every person I saw had a smile on their face while they were driving out of town.”

“I don’t even care where I go!” exclaimed Brent Turbine. “I’m getting in my Kia Sportage, blastin’ ‘Life is a Highway’ and driving until I get somewhere that doesn’t look like this place — somewhere bright and beautiful and full of opportunity.”

The Manatee last spoke with Turbine on Monday morning and he told us that he had driven all the way through New Brunswick and most of Nova Scotia but still hadn’t found the place he described.

  1. Not completely accurate, maybe, but comletely cute.

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