Province releases official New Brunswick Food Guide

Province releases official New Brunswick Food Guide
Fredericton — It was discovered today that for the past 6 months, Health Minister Victor Boudreau has funded a study to compile a more regionally based version of the four basic food groups as outlined by Heath Canada. It was his hope that this new local nutritional guide would better reflect the average New Brunswicker’s lifestyle, while also supporting the province’s corporate interests.

The minister released a tentative outline of this new guide via Twitter this morning, before it was promptly taken down by the provincial government. Premier Brian Gallant issued an explanatory tweet stating that “Moosehead’s check [sic] hasn’t cleared yet.”

The Manatee’s team of tech-experts were able to retrieve the retracted information, along with Boudreau’s own illustrated “Food Pyramid,” which he meticulously hand-painted on the back of some governmental stationery. The full list of the Four New Brunswick Food Groups (with illustration), also known as the New Brunswick Food Guide, are here reproduced for your consideration.

Food Groups

1.Essentials Group: Jesus of Nazareth once said that “Man shall not live on bread alone” (Matthew 4:4). It is in this spirit that we encourage New Brunswickers to expand their diets beyond simple “food” items to include items such as smokes, cheap alcohol-based mouthwash, bottle-tokes and Lotto 649 tickets (because how else are you going to pay for all that stuff?).

2.The Tims Group: It is highly recommended that the average New Brunswicker consume at least two (2) items off of the Tim Hortons regular menu per day. In fact, it is more or less enforced by law.

3.Covered Bridge Storm Chips Group: The popular Covered Bridge brand “Storm Chips” ensure that you receive all four (4) essential flavours of potato.

4.The Bottle of Alpine Group [sponsored]: It was my father who taught me that this was the most vital of all the local food groups. He explained that it was to be ingested nightly, or else he swore to God he was going shoot the whole damn lot of us.

  1. NB Food Groups 2 and 3 are reversed in the script. Tims group should be group 2 and Storm Chips group 3. Could be a translation error…. Ask the language commissioner.

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