New Brunswick — After the disaster of using automated software to determine property tax assessments, the premier announced the province will be moving to an “honour system.”
“New Brunswickers have always been the kind of people you can trust,” stated Premier Brian Gallant at a Monday morning press conference.
“We leave our keys in our ignition, secure in the knowledge that no one’s going to steal our car. We leave our children in the care of the people who live next door to go buy our booze, knowing that Jane, or Jennifer, or the crazy cat lady across the street will watch over them. We pick up the tab at the bar for our buddies, knowing they will get the next one. Or maybe the one after that.
“So,” he went on, “we are announcing today that property owners in New Brunswick can decide themselves how much their property is worth. Under our new system, citizens and businesses will have until the end of February to tell us the value of their property.
“I expect all our great corporate citizens, like the Irvings and the McCains, will provide an example for everyone and pay their fair share as well.”
Homeowners — especially those who were ripped off by the province’s invented renovations — are thrilled with the news, already making plans for lower tax bills in the years to come.
“The province has been screwing me financially every year as my assessments have kept going up and up and up, even though I haven’t replaced the aluminum siding on my trailer since I built it in 1980!” exclaimed Hanwell resident Bernie Ferguson. “I think it’s time for some retro pricing!”
“I consider myself to be an honest person, so I’ll probably be truthful when I say the value of my property is declining all the time,” said Saint John woman Rhonda Kilburn. “Sure, my house might look nice, but there are plenty of flaws and design issues, and I even saw a crack in the foundation the other day! Or I think that’s what it was. Could be that the kids took a Sharpie to the walls again, but the province can’t be sure of that.”
Gallant said he believes this system will be much easier for all New Brunswickers. “It’s less work for tax assessors, less work for me, homeowners don’t have to schedule any more pesky assessments… I honestly don’t see any downside. I guess we’ll find out this time next year, though, right?”