Provincial government to implement staple gun registry

New Brunswick — Premier Brian Gallant announced controversial anti-crime legislation this morning that will include a new staple gun registry.

As part of the Liberal government’s new “tough on jobs, tougher on crime” program, the anti-crime bill introduces such legislation as mandatory minimum sentencing for New Brunswickers caught smuggling beer in from Quebec, and the new staple gun registry.

“New Brunswickers are terrified about the economy. I mean crime, not the economy, crime,” said Gallant on the steps of the legislature. “As such, our government had no choice: we’re registering staple guns. We need to clean up our streets.”

stapleWhen asked about the wisdom of the move, Gallant said it was the only option open to his government.

“The federal government has already disbanded the long gun registry for firearms, and we don’t have enough money to try to implement our own, like the province of Quebec,” the premier said. “As such, we decided to move on to staple guns instead. After all, you can’t take one on an airplane, so they must be dangerous.”

While some anti-staple-gun activists welcomed the announcement, saying duct tape or a good tack hammer have always been fine anyway, other New Brunswickers protested the legislation.

“I’ve had a staple gun for years, and it hasn’t hurt anyone,” said Troy Kershaw of Rogersville. “This is just another example of the Liberal government interfering with our everyday lives.”

Raymond Galespie of Bathurst echoed his sentiment.

“What’s next — glue guns?” asked Galespie. “Once they get all the staple guns and glue guns registered, you know they’re going to just ban them and seize them all. And once staple guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have staple guns.”

Kershaw agreed, saying the only way the government would ever get his staple guns was from his cold, dead fingers.

  1. My staple gun is an antique and I can’t find staples for it any more. I really should dispose of it, but I’m waiting for an amnesty day rather than paying the registration costs.

    Reply

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