New Brunswick — One of Canada’s most obese provinces is taking controversial steps to reduce its mass. The New Brunswick government announced today that this Oct. 31, residents must only give out healthy “treats” to young trick-or-treaters going door to door.
To enforce this rule, undercover police officers and community volunteers will be trick-or-treating with their children and fining any house that does not comply with the new mandate.
The controversial announcement was made as part of the provincial government’s new “War on Fat” plan, which includes higher taxes on fast food and junk food purchases in the coming year, as well as lower income taxes for people who exercise at least 4 times a week. At a press conference at Ganong Chocolate Factory in St. Stephen, Premier Brian Gallant outlined why he believes that controlling what substances go into pillow bags this Halloween will help physically shape our youth.
“I know that many of you cherish your childhood memories of picking through your Halloween haul and saving the best sweets for last. But look at you — look at what 16 years of annual binge-fests during our formative years has done to our province’s collective waistlines and teeth! It’s time to take affirmative action.
“By handing out healthy snacks, we’re promoting clean living and removing the option to eat unhealthily. Children aren’t old enough to make these decisions for themselves, so we have to do all we can to cherish and help them,” explained Gallant, while locking the door to the Ganong Chocolate Factory for the next few months.
The “War on Fat” plan states that from October to December, New Brunswickers have too many chances to bite off more than they can chew. Thanksgiving, Halloween and Christmas are all occasions where families come together to pig out and tell themselves that it’s only because “it’s a special occasion.”
Many New Brunswickers are unhappy with the new law, with some stating that eating unhealthily is their god-given right.
“I pay my taxes and do my civic duty just like everyone else here. Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what I can and can’t eat?” shouted an enraged Trevor Jenkins through a mouthful of Smarties at the press conference. “And if I want to let my kid and other children get their sugar fix every now and then, it’s my freedom to do so!”
Jenkins attempted to start a chant of “Let us eat — Let us eat,” but nobody joined in due to their mouths being full of whatever treats they had purchased to hand out come Halloween, and due to the chant itself not being very catchy or clever.
Residents wishing to read the Halloween candy regulations in full can visit http://www2.gnb.ca/waronfat.
Some of the suggested treats to hand out are:
- Brocolli sticks
- Homemade granola or trail mix
- Organic apples (without razor blades)
- Sun-Maid® natural Californian raisins
- Dental hygiene kits
- Locally sourced Sesame Snaps
- Sunflower seeds
- Caffeine-free tea
- Gluten-free pumpkin seeds
Fines for handing out candy, chips or sugary substances range from $200 to $500, with heavier fines being handed out to people who only put a bucket of sweets out on their front doorstep.