Fredericton — Premier Brian Gallant was having trouble sleeping last night, but that all changed when he had the bright idea to flip his pillow over, revealing a pleasant, cool side that helped lull him into a deep slumber.
“I was just lying there, thinking about every awkward and cringey thing I’d ever done. Ugh, I hate that!” explained Gallant at a press conference in front of the provincial legislature.
“I was remembering that whole day in 8th grade when I pretended that I was an alien to try to make my class laugh. I thought it was hilarious, but everyone just acted weird and called me ‘alien kid’ for months. Arrrrrrrrgh. Why did I do that??”
Gallant said that before flipping his goose-down pillow, he was tossing and turning for hours, but couldn’t get comfortable. The premier’s poster bed was too warm but he didn’t want to remove any of his heavy blankets because he likes the weight of said blankets when trying to sleep, as it “makes him feel safe.”
“I also got to this point where I just started repeating the same one line over and over from a song I heard on the radio yesterday. I don’t think I even know the right lyrics. That’s when I realized it was time for a change.”
The premier credits his ingenuity to his left hand, which was tucked under the pillow while he lay on his side, staring at the wall. He claims that he suddenly noticed the temperature difference between the bottom of the pillow and the top of the pillow pressed against his face.
“It was amazing. I watched this beautiful idea bloom in Mr. Premier’s head, and got to witness him carefully flip the pillow,” explained the premier’s personal bodyguard, Biff Jones. “The sigh of contentedness that escaped the premier’s lips was like a chorus of angels from on high.
“As to why I saw the whole thing, I’m his personal bodyguard. Mr. Premier trusts me with his life, but doesn’t trust the New Brunswick population,” Jones went on. “I don’t blame him. I am around him 24/7 and you wouldn’t believe the looks of jealousy that he gets from peasants and other politicians.”
Gallant offers sage advice to any New Brunswickers caught in a similar situation:
“When you can’t fall asleep, you shouldn’t actually get out of bed and do something else, because then you’ll wake yourself up even more. But something small, like gently turning your pillow over, can make a world of difference. If all else fails, you can try the age-old method of counting taxpayers.”