Moncton — A report by the National Research Council of Canada has found that the driver of that really shitty-looking beater car that just flew past you is really cool.
The findings confirm that the owner of what appeared to be a late-’90s model Honda Accord with a homemade spoiler isn’t just some white-trash loser like you think he is. No, he’s really cool.
The vehicle, which flew down Mountain Road going 30 km/h over the speed limit and changed lanes 11 times was driven not by some pasty, wannabe-thug, but by someone who is clearly a source of jealousy among those inside his social circle — and a proud contributor to the local community.
The report noted that while you assumed the needlessly loud exhaust, gold rims, angled wheels, and “RIP Paul Walker” bumper sticker were clear signs of over-compensation and macho posturing, researchers maintained that the guy is, in fact, just really cool.
“I know you could hear him blasting Fetty Wap from a mile away,” said lead research Lawrence Cole, “but he’s just really cool.”
“It shouldn’t take federally funded research to prove this; can’t you tell just by looking at his car?”
The study also confirmed that the driver’s posture — leaning far back in his seat, his right arm stretched out with only his limp wrist resting on the steering wheel for control — was indicative of a very, very cool person who is just so cool.
“I know you think he was driving like a rabid monkey who found a driver’s licence and built his own car out of junk metal, but did you see how he wore sunglasses and a backwards baseball trucker hat?” Cole added. “Historically, that has always been associated with coolness.”
The report is being hailed as a step forward in combating negative stereotypes of people who are clearly just very cool.