Fredericton — A recent report by Statistics Atlantic has confirmed that your mom and/or grandma have more than likely already purchased a nice top at Sears that will be under the Christmas tree with your name on it come Dec. 25.
“It’s also probable that she bought a pair of pants marked 40 percent off to match the top,” said statistician Ron Michaels. “From the data we’ve compiled over the last few decades, it’s almost a certainty that your mother or grandmother was at Sears for an unrelated reason, such as to compare prices on blenders, but saw the top sitting there on a cluttered table next to the kitchen-ware section, and couldn’t resist picking it up for you.”
Michaels explained that, unfortunately, all Atlantic Canadian retail trends point to the fact that both the top and the pants — or “slacks” as your mom and grandma call them — will not fit you. “Our figures show that the top will be at least 5 sizes too large, and your mom will say ‘you’ll grow into it.'”
Stats Atlantic is notifying Maritimers that the return policy at Sears for unwanted tops and slacks is inflexible at best. “If you manage to find a cash register at your local Sears, you will have to stand in a line for a full hour behind several old women who actually want to be in the store,” the report says. “And there’s an 82 percent chance that the cashier will only accept exchanges or store credit on the top in question.”
“There’s also a 91 percent chance that you’ll have to model the shirt for your entire family on Christmas morning,” added Michaels. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”