New Brunswick — You can expect another Christmas letter this year from that family — you know, the ones who always insist on typing out 8 pages of their kids’ accomplishments and who never fail to include at least 3 cheesy group photos in which they’re all wearing the same colour.
According to sources, there’s a high probability the letter is already in the mail, and there’s nothing you can do to avoid receiving it short of leaving New Brunswick or going back in time and cutting off all communication with that family (although, as you know, they’re the type to send it anyway).
A reporter from The Manatee was invited to observe the family — all freakin’ 7 of them — as they gathered around the computer in the den last week, eagerly chiming in their own additions as the dad painstakingly typed it out.
“Anna was captain of her high school volleyball team this year, and we’re proud to say the Wildcats never lost a game!” brags the letter. I mean, come on — who cares? “Our darling Anna will also be the lead in the school’s Christmas play, in which she’ll be the best Virgin Mary anyone’s ever seen. Hope you can make it!” Yeah, we’ll mark that one on the calendar for sure.
“Our Mitchell got a medal of participation in soccer. We’ve always taught him that winners are the ones who give it their all, not the ones who score the most goals,” says page 4 of the letter. How do these guys even manage to brag about their son sucking at sports?
Even the grown children in this family somehow warrant several paragraphs highlighting their marvelous feats of intelligence and benevolence, according to our disgusted reporter. “This spring, our Matthew graduated from UNB in business at the top of his class. We know he’s going to go on to do great things!” Although Matthew, 23, has no plan to leave New Brunswick, that family is convinced he’s going to be CEO of his own company before the age of 25. Seriously.
“Elizabeth married a lovely man this year who we couldn’t be happier to introduce as our own son,” says this nauseating message. Oh yeah — there will probably be like 15 wedding photos included in the letter too, so get ready for that. And you didn’t hear it from us, but there may even be a photocopy of the bulletin they handed out to wedding guests… you know, if by some chance you couldn’t attend.
“And now is the perfect time to announce that we’re expecting our first grandchildren: TWINS!!!” The letter actually uses a ton of exclamation marks and capitals, in case you didn’t get the idea that they’re all super excited about their lives.
Anyway, we here at The Manatee just wanted to give you a heads-up so you don’t open the letter when it comes. We checked, and they didn’t include a gift card or money or anything like that, so just throw it in the recycling bin as soon as possible and save yourself the cringe-worthy experience of learning of that lame family’s hobbies, awards and milestones.