Moncton — New Brunswick Ground Search and Rescue are currently scouring the Bay of Fundy in hopes of finding a drunk and very belligerent man who, after consuming numerous beers while participating in the annual Pollett River Run, found himself hungover and washed out to sea.
Sources say Oscar Pitts, an aging, ornery alcoholic was last seen heavily intoxicated boarding his blue-and-green camouflaged Alpine canoe that he won from a raffle at a Salisbury liquor store.
“We saw him stumbling into his boat and a couple of us offered to jump in and help him navigate the river,” said Kyle Steeves, another river run participant. “We were worried because he was really drunk and super old. But anyway, he told us to fuck off.”
The inebriated curmudgeon apparently fell asleep at some point along his trek down the river and only awoke 12 hours later as he was exiting the Petitcodiac River into the Bay of Fundy. Pitts’ whereabouts were confirmed after he made an exhaustive and verbally abusive phone call.
“The first thing he said was: ‘I’m way the fuck out here, get the fuck over here and get me the fuck out,'” said Pitts’ friend Gary Marshal, who received a call from him shortly before his phone lost reception. “He was totally shit-faced and I was like, ‘I don’t know where you are bud, but tell me and I’ll come pick you up.’ And he was like, ‘Out in the goddamn ocean er something, fucked if I know.’ I was like, ‘Christ buddy, you’re calling the wrong guy.'”
Before losing all contact, Pitts told Marshal he had enough beer left to remain drunk for at least several hours and that “these fucking seals better stop fucking with my fucking boat.”
As of press time, search and rescue workers are still looking for Pitts but are optimistic he will never be found.