Sackville — Longtime roommates Doug Walsh, Ian MacKinnon and Brian Davis are puzzled by the disappearance of their prodigal roommate Mike Fanjoy who was last seen vegetating on the couch sometime before noon on Jan. 1.
Davis states that Fanjoy “started acting all sketchy” once the topic of rent came up during a routine game of Drunk Jenga in the wee hours of the morning on New Year’s Day. Davis went on to say: “When it comes to dodging bills, Mike’s a goddamn ninja. I swear as soon as I said ‘rent’s due,’ he dropped a smoke bomb and vanished.”
After rifling through Fanjoy’s personal effects and scrolling through his Facebook profile, which was never properly logged out, reporters from The Manatee consulted Fanjoy’s roommates as they stood solemnly around his smouldering ass-groove in the couch.
“For the first few days I thought it was just one of those New Year Fools pranks and Mike would eventually burst in through the drywall like the Kool-Aid Man or something,” MacKinnon recalled. “But he’s been gone for weeks now, and I’m starting to get worried.”
“He wouldn’t just run away — Mike’s the laziest guy ever,” claimed Davis. “I think he’d be too lazy to breathe if it didn’t happen automatically.”
“Mike had so many big plans for the living-room, I can’t believe he’d bitch out on us like this,” sighed Walsh. “I mean he’s gotta be around here somewhere. Brian keeps telling me to check behind the toilet, but I ain’t falling for that again!”
Through financial adversity and undertones of frustrated hetero man-love, the remaining roommates have not given up hope. “I got that feeling that one day Mike is gonna come back and everything is gonna be great again,” professed Walsh. “Why just the other day I spotted his likeness on a piece of toast. It must be a sign!”
“I’ll tell you one thing,” declared Davis, “wherever he is it’s definitely not somewhere where you’d have to do dishes, recycle or water any plants. That’s for sure!”
Missing posters for Mike Fanjoy have been plastered across the greater Sackville area. Fanjoy’s roommates remain hopeful that he will eventually return because he forgot his dream journal in the living-room.