Saint John — Members of Saint John Cycling have long helped to clean up trails and replace signs in Rockwood Park, and now the group is committed to tackling larger projects.
“We all got together and discussed new ways to improve the park,” said Martin Cogswell, head organizer for Saint John Cycling. “We asked, what are the biggest problems that need solving?”
Ultimately, they decided that one thing in Rockwood Park bothered them above all else:
Cyclists.
“God, I hate those mother effers,” said once cyclist, her gloved fists clenched in anger. “Always yelling ‘one side,’ and nearly running down kids and old folks. We just want the park to be safe again.”
“Cyclists are just a bunch of skinny, middle-aged white dudes,” said a man befitting this description. “I think those types are entitled enough already.”
Since making this commitment, Saint John Cycling has funded an effort to put up “No Cycling” signs around the park.
Cogswell stated that, moving beyond Rockwood, the group is now lobbying City Hall to have bikers banned from Saint John entirely.
“They’re a public nuisance,” he said. “We’ve given them a whole section of the road, and they still just swerve carelessly into the middle of the street. They’re maniacs!
“They say, ‘We have just as much a right to the road as motorists.’ Where’d you read that? Bikes and Bullshit magazine? ‘The fuck outtahere.”
Cogswell said that whether or not the civil ordinance goes through, the cyclists would be departing the city of their own volition that very night, for the greater good of society.
“Whether they choose to commit mass suicide is entirely up to them,” he said, lying prostrate on the floor. ”Personally, I strongly believe that they should.”
With that, Cogswell dutifully placed his helmeted head back to the ground as his fellow bikers tearfully rode overtop him, beyond him, onto a new beginning.