Saint John — The blanket ban on overnight winter parking in Saint John has been lifted, and replaced with a new bylaw that restricts only vehicles made by Honda Motors from parking on streets during the night.
Yesterday morning, Saint John traffic manager Brian Conner stood before city council and explained that for the majority of the season, cars do not need to be kept off the street. “Most of the cars parked on the roads at night do not create a problem,” he said.
“But if I see so much as one more goddamn Honda Civic,” he continued, angrily slamming his fist down onto the table. “I swear to god I’m going to smash its fucking windows in.”
Connor’s proposed bylaw passed with a unanimous vote, which means that most cars will now be able to park on the roads overnight throughout the winter. However, if a Honda vehicle is spotted parking on the streets after midnight, then the city reserves the right to siphon its gas, spray-paint lewd images on its doors, or have a municipal representative place their bare butt-cheeks on the hood of the car.
The announcement was followed by a question-and-answer period to allow local residents the opportunity to voice their concerns.
“I don’t think this fair at all,” complained Honda driver Lexi Roth. “I don’t see what the make of the car has to do with blocking the road.”
Connor retorted that he doesn’t see how a terrible company like Honda has been able to stay in business so long. “In my opinion, you might as well be driving a broken unicycle,” he added.
While ordinarily the overnight parking ban would go into effect on Dec. 1, it was announced that this new provision would go into effect sometime tonight. “The first Honda car that I see parked on the street tonight,” said Connor, “I’m going to piss on it.”